Saturday, October 13, 2007

Here ya go, Tricia!

Oh, my. It has been a long time since I blogged. I've been a bit on the preoccupied side.
I got a new job. Full time. I love it. I'm still at the school with my kids, just not doing the Instructional Aide thing or the Yard Duty (yippee! I can't say I miss the outdoor elements or the drama...although I do miss the kids...). I am now in the office, doing accounts receivable, lunch program, learning accounts payable and apparently going to be learning the ordering process soon. I love being inside, I like getting to dress like a girl, and I like the challenge and learning new things. I feel so lucky and blessed that I was granted this opportunity.
October 10 was my 15th wedding anniversary...Before anyone gets all gushy wondering what romantic weekend getaway we went on...My husband is in Idaho and has been since October 7. He left in the wee hours of the morning 6 days ago to hunt for our 15th wedding anniversary.
I have never been, nor ever will be interested in roughing it camping or in hunting, anything. I am a girl. I like to use flush toilets. I don't particularly like the mountains, I'm more of a coastal kind of California girl. I don't mind that he has interests outside of me. I rather like it. I don't want to have to say excuse me when I turn around because he is attached to my hip. I like having a bit of independence...
The thing that has been instigating my mid-life crisis, is that I realized that my life is much easier when I don't have him around. He has told me for the whole 15 years that we've been married that he wants me to be OK with him going and doing the things he likes and he doesn't want me to make him feel guilty for leaving us behind. I have gotten there. In the last 7 years or so, I have gotten to the point where I really don't care if he is here or if he isn't. I have been happy when he has chosen us, and fine with him choosing his interests. It seemed like a nice place to be emotionally, I wasn't feeling all left behind and put off. I just kind of let him live his life his way and he could be involved with the kids and me if he chose.
A month ago I realized that I prefer him being gone. It is much easier for me to take care of business without him to take my time. I have a lot to do, and I have done it all on my own for the last 15 years. I have had little to no help raising the kids. I don't want to start a "Let's hate Erich" club and whine about all of the ways he is a butthead. I just realized that I have settled for less than I deserve. I deserve to be higher on someone's priority list than a close 3rd to shooting. I deserve to be #1 and I deserve to have the person I am with understand that my birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas and our wedding anniversary are important not to be forgotten or taken lightly dates. I deserve to be with a man who is not worried about how things look, as long as he's happy with me and with our children. Looks are deceiving.
He learned the art of game playing with some masters. His parents are all about how things look. As long as it looks pretty on the outside with a nice little bow then that means everything inside is beautiful, right? I have become disenchanted with that way of thinking. I choose not to play that game anymore. I don't have to make everything look great on the outside, I can be a real person and let people into my real world.
I am reconsidering my life...I'm not considering abandoning my children, husband and life and running off to the big city to pursue my acting dream (I really don't have one), I am just realizing that marrying young, insecure as I was, forced me to settle for way less than I ever should have.
I am almost 40 (it's a mere 4 years away, the blink of an eye), and I don't want to look back on my life through angry, bitter eyes when I am 60. I want to look back and know that I was loved beyond measure. Not just loved by my children, but also the father of my children.
I read somewhere that the best gift a father can give to his children is to love their mother with all of his heart. I think of that quote often, and realize that my children have not seen their father love me with all of his heart. They have watched him choose racing, hunting, shooting, fishing, friends, his dad, so many other things first. They have waved good bye to him as he leaves on yet another vacation spent with friends or his dad and brother. They laugh at the stories he shares about his vacation, but share no memories with him. It makes me sad for them. It makes me sad for me. It used to make me sad for him, but the scary thing is that I don't feel sad for him anymore.
Things have to change. This is the turning point. I'm not saying I want him to live in my back pocket and sneeze when I tell him to. I just want some semblance of a family. You know, families that go on picnics, or out to dinner, or on family vacations. A real honest to goodness family. I don't know if he is willing to invest himself in that. And, how I am feeling right now, I don't know if I really want him to.
It's a tough position I am in. I don't want my children to be children of divorce. But, I also don't want them to think that what has been our life is OK. I want them to see (when they're adults of course) the sacrifices emotionally, financially, etc that parents make for their children. I want them to experience having a dad. Not just a man who comes home and sits in his chair, or comes home to pack up for his next great adventure without them. They and I deserve so much more.
Ugh. This post is kind of depressing, but, honestly, it really bares part of my soul. So, Friends, go easy on me.