Wow, the last two weeks have been crazy around here. Our school began state testing (what fun.) two weeks ago, and I have been immersed in testing ever since. I can't wait until Thursday when testing is DONE (make ups right now!).
R competed in San Francisco nearly two weeks ago. She competed on the 22nd. She did well. She took a 1st, 3rd, and 5th. She is competing again on Mother's Day in Reno. If she gets another first she raises a level. She is really excited about that.
Friday my baby will be 7. I can't believe he's that old already. I keep forgetting he isn't a baby anymore. But, I guess he'll always be my baby. I was trying to throw together a last minute birthday party, but that fell through with the incredibly busy weekend we have in front of us. R is marching in the city parade this Saturday and I have an appreciation luncheon on Friday.
I have a confession to make...
I overloaded the washing machine Sunday night. I took the weekend off from laundry (not my most brilliant idea) and at 8 pm decided I should wash some darks...I loaded the washing machine. And, when I say I loaded it, I LOADED it. I overheated the washing machine. It shut off and wouldn't work for several hours. I got in trouble....because I hadn't washed My One Tru Love's uniforms for work yet. So, at 9:30 in the evening I was at the laundromat washing one load of uniforms. The washing machine is working fine now, and I think I learned my lesson...don't overload the washing machine.
I am doing well with my no caffeine-no soda life. I haven't had caffeine (other than the small amount in decaffeinated coffee) and no soda since April 5! Wow! Almost a month of being a caffeine free-soda free woman. I don't see much of a difference in me, other than I don't have to have a cup of coffee in order to function properly. I am trying to drink at least 64 ounces of water everyday (which means I am peeing about twice that amount!). Now, all I have to do is start to exercise. I realized that in the last 19 months I have lost 32 pounds. I am only 6 pounds off of my goal weight, I think that exercise (or I could hold out for another bout of illness) may get me where I want to be. Oh, who cares! I like how my clothes fit now...who wants to exercise?
Well, the boys have homework! I have to go be a mom!
Monday, April 30, 2007
Saturday, April 14, 2007
3 things meme (Thanks Trish)
Ok, here goes,
Three people who make me laugh:
1. just another mommy blog
2. four plus four equals ten
3. something about parenting
Three things I Love:
1. My One Tru Love
2. My kids
3. Being a mom
Three things I hate:
1. laundry
2. dishes
3. staff meetings
Three things I don't understand
1. Meanness
2. math
3. according to my 12 year old boy, my 12 year old boy
Three things on my desk:
1. Computer
2. C's inhaler
3. Reader's Digest
Three things I would like to do before I die:
1. Hold my grandchildren
2. Hold my great grandchildren
3. Have enough money
Three things I am doing right now:
1. Listening to SpongeBob on TV
2. Helping my daughter figure out her ride to the movies
3. Thinking
Three things I can do:
1. Multi-task
2. Crochet
3. Solve conflict on the playground...
Three things I can't do:
1. Knit
2. Keep my house clean
3. Drive a motorcycle
Three things you should listen to:
1. Irish music, it makes you feel happy
2. Children's laughter
3. Friends
Three things you shouldn't listen to:
1. Whining
2. Tattling
3. Gossip
Three thinks I would like to learn:
1. Spanish (fluently)
2. Organization
3. I don't really know....
Three of my favorite foods:
1. Tacos
2. Chocolate anything
3. Baked Potatoes!
Three shows I watched as a kid:
1. Emergency
2. Dukes of Hazard
3. Charlie's Angels
Three regrets:
1. That I listened to my mom and took secretarial courses in college instead of nursing.
2. Not moving out of my parents house to be on my own (went from being a daughter to being a wife)
3. Can't think of another one...
I don't think I know three bloggers to tag...so....that's it!
Three people who make me laugh:
1. just another mommy blog
2. four plus four equals ten
3. something about parenting
Three things I Love:
1. My One Tru Love
2. My kids
3. Being a mom
Three things I hate:
1. laundry
2. dishes
3. staff meetings
Three things I don't understand
1. Meanness
2. math
3. according to my 12 year old boy, my 12 year old boy
Three things on my desk:
1. Computer
2. C's inhaler
3. Reader's Digest
Three things I would like to do before I die:
1. Hold my grandchildren
2. Hold my great grandchildren
3. Have enough money
Three things I am doing right now:
1. Listening to SpongeBob on TV
2. Helping my daughter figure out her ride to the movies
3. Thinking
Three things I can do:
1. Multi-task
2. Crochet
3. Solve conflict on the playground...
Three things I can't do:
1. Knit
2. Keep my house clean
3. Drive a motorcycle
Three things you should listen to:
1. Irish music, it makes you feel happy
2. Children's laughter
3. Friends
Three things you shouldn't listen to:
1. Whining
2. Tattling
3. Gossip
Three thinks I would like to learn:
1. Spanish (fluently)
2. Organization
3. I don't really know....
Three of my favorite foods:
1. Tacos
2. Chocolate anything
3. Baked Potatoes!
Three shows I watched as a kid:
1. Emergency
2. Dukes of Hazard
3. Charlie's Angels
Three regrets:
1. That I listened to my mom and took secretarial courses in college instead of nursing.
2. Not moving out of my parents house to be on my own (went from being a daughter to being a wife)
3. Can't think of another one...
I don't think I know three bloggers to tag...so....that's it!
Spring Break/Back to School
Spring Break was not the greatest for me and my boys. My daughter had the time of her life in LA being spoiled rotten my my aunt and uncle. It sounds like they had a blast. They spent two days at Disneyland, a day at the Huntington Beach Library visiting museums and art exhibits. R loved it, then they spent a day at the Tea Gardens, a day at the mall, a day at the Reagen Library, a day at Solvang, and visited the beach. She got to go visit my cousin in his assisted living home. He was glad to see her and get a breath of fresh air. We, here at home, were dealing with my grandma's illness and surgery.
Thursday I decided that the boys and I needed to get out of the house. So, we made a trip to the park. My oldest son went to the lake with my in-laws. So, C and M and I went to Caper Acres. We had a great time. I took the ripple blanket afghan I am working on for M's best friend, and crocheted while the boys played. It was a really nice day, not hot and not cold. I was feeling a little tired, so we went home and I took a nap. Overall the day was great. At about 11:30 pm I woke up not feeling so hot. I figured out in short order that I was getting a bladder infection. I have only experienced 4 of these in my lifetime. Which, in my humble opinion is 4 times too many. At any rate, I decided to drink tons of cranberry juice all night and flush it out of my system. I woke up in the morning feeling worse. I spent the entire day Friday feeling awful, but trying to convince myself that I was getting better, as I drank water constantly. T had band practice, so I took him, and then got more water and drank and drank and drank water. I went to pick up T and was feeling like I was going to die, my friend LS told me that I looked horrible, and told me that I needed to go to the dr. because it sounded like my infection was spreading to my kidneys. I am rather stubborn and I hate to take medicine of any kind. Probably because I spent the first five years of my life taking every antibiotic known to man at the time. I went home. I talked to My One Tru Love and told him I wasn't feeling well, he told me that if I needed to go to the dr. then I should. So I laid down for two hours. Then, I realized (as my hip and back were aching and my insides felt bruised and sore) that if I didn't go to the dr. then, I was going to end up in the hospital. I had been monitoring my temperature all day and had been normal. But, by the time I got to the dr. I was running a temp. I had the beginning of a kidney infection and a massive UTI. He put me on one of the big guns, gave me some Pyridium (Gosh, I love that stuff) and sent me on my way. He said that I had done a good job of trying to flush it out of my system, it just was bigger than I thought. I went home and felt like garbage for a couple more days.
I went back to work on Tuesday, still feeling a little beat up, but feeling much better than before. Now, I am officially off of antibiotics, and feeling like a normal person. I decided that since caffeine and soda can contribute to UTI's I decided to cut them out of my life. I quit coffee while I was sick, so I didn't really notice any adverse side effects. Soda isn't so hard. I found the sparkling water at Walmart again. No calories, so sugar, no sodium, but has some carbonation, I decided that could do for any soda fix I needed or wanted. I really don't want to be that sick again.
The kids are back to school and counting down the days to summer. It isn't that far away. I am looking forward to some time with all of them.
My One Tru Love and T are out in the rain shooting today, so I have C, M, R and her best friend over, while I try to get my house respectable enough for an overnight babysitter next weekend. Aaagh. What was I thinking? I have so much to do, so I am sitting here on the computer...go figure. I have laundry up the wazoo, and a messy bedroom (all my clean clothes are stacked neatly on top of my dresser). My kitchen still shows the remnants of our strawberry pancake breakfast. Oh me oh my. I have work to do. And R and her friend want to go to the movies at 2. Well, I guess I should stop talking about it, and do something about it.
Thursday I decided that the boys and I needed to get out of the house. So, we made a trip to the park. My oldest son went to the lake with my in-laws. So, C and M and I went to Caper Acres. We had a great time. I took the ripple blanket afghan I am working on for M's best friend, and crocheted while the boys played. It was a really nice day, not hot and not cold. I was feeling a little tired, so we went home and I took a nap. Overall the day was great. At about 11:30 pm I woke up not feeling so hot. I figured out in short order that I was getting a bladder infection. I have only experienced 4 of these in my lifetime. Which, in my humble opinion is 4 times too many. At any rate, I decided to drink tons of cranberry juice all night and flush it out of my system. I woke up in the morning feeling worse. I spent the entire day Friday feeling awful, but trying to convince myself that I was getting better, as I drank water constantly. T had band practice, so I took him, and then got more water and drank and drank and drank water. I went to pick up T and was feeling like I was going to die, my friend LS told me that I looked horrible, and told me that I needed to go to the dr. because it sounded like my infection was spreading to my kidneys. I am rather stubborn and I hate to take medicine of any kind. Probably because I spent the first five years of my life taking every antibiotic known to man at the time. I went home. I talked to My One Tru Love and told him I wasn't feeling well, he told me that if I needed to go to the dr. then I should. So I laid down for two hours. Then, I realized (as my hip and back were aching and my insides felt bruised and sore) that if I didn't go to the dr. then, I was going to end up in the hospital. I had been monitoring my temperature all day and had been normal. But, by the time I got to the dr. I was running a temp. I had the beginning of a kidney infection and a massive UTI. He put me on one of the big guns, gave me some Pyridium (Gosh, I love that stuff) and sent me on my way. He said that I had done a good job of trying to flush it out of my system, it just was bigger than I thought. I went home and felt like garbage for a couple more days.
I went back to work on Tuesday, still feeling a little beat up, but feeling much better than before. Now, I am officially off of antibiotics, and feeling like a normal person. I decided that since caffeine and soda can contribute to UTI's I decided to cut them out of my life. I quit coffee while I was sick, so I didn't really notice any adverse side effects. Soda isn't so hard. I found the sparkling water at Walmart again. No calories, so sugar, no sodium, but has some carbonation, I decided that could do for any soda fix I needed or wanted. I really don't want to be that sick again.
The kids are back to school and counting down the days to summer. It isn't that far away. I am looking forward to some time with all of them.
My One Tru Love and T are out in the rain shooting today, so I have C, M, R and her best friend over, while I try to get my house respectable enough for an overnight babysitter next weekend. Aaagh. What was I thinking? I have so much to do, so I am sitting here on the computer...go figure. I have laundry up the wazoo, and a messy bedroom (all my clean clothes are stacked neatly on top of my dresser). My kitchen still shows the remnants of our strawberry pancake breakfast. Oh me oh my. I have work to do. And R and her friend want to go to the movies at 2. Well, I guess I should stop talking about it, and do something about it.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Lessons
I have been busy reading the last two days. I don't normally give myself the opportunity to read. I love to read. I love to read just about anything, and I read really fast. I read To Kill a Mockingbird yesterday. What an amazing book! I really enjoyed it. It was moving and so enlightening. I never got the chance to read it in high school, so I saw it at Costco at the beginning of Spring Break and decided to read it. All I have to say is WOW!
Today, I read Tuesdays With Morrie, another Costco impulse buy. I thouroughly enjoyed this one also. It was what I needed right now, considering all that is going on with my grandmother. I have come to many conclusions about that whole situation.
I had a lengthy conversation with my mom this morning. About many things, mostly my grandmother. I have come to a place regarding my grandma that has given me much peace. I understand that these walls were not built because of anything that I did. It's really amazing how quickly I went from an adult woman who was fairly confident to a hurt, little girl wondering why her grandma doesn't love her.
My grandma led a very difficult life. As did so many from her generation. I can't even for a moment begin to understand the hardship she experienced throughout her childhood. The Depression, a World War! Wow. She lived through alot. Her father wasn't a very nice person, she, for whatever reasons, was unable to rise above those experiences. She became a guarded, hard woman who lives in a world she created. I understand that none of that has anything to do with me. I get it. I accept it. to be hurt. I don't think that is cold or hard of me.
I realized just how grateful I am that I was blessed with such a wonderful paternal grandma. She loves me. Fiercely. Even now that I am in my 30's. She loves me with the same ferocity as when I was a baby struggling to live. I was blessed again with the incredible honor of my husband's grandma. She loved me as though I were her own. Her death last year impacted my life in ways I have yet to see. She left a gaping hole in our lives. We love her so much. She allowed me to experience the most beautifully, heartbreaking moment of my life. I was welcomed to her deathbed and held her hand and stroked her hair and kissed her face as she made the transition from this world to her home in heaven. I will forever be grateful that Grandma Eunice touched my life. I will grieve her loss forever. As I will my own grandma when her time comes. As I do my grandpa.
I have learned so much about myself and illness and death and respect through this sickness my grandmother is experiencing. It has given me so much appreciation for the ones that love me, and so much sadness for what I know she is missing out on. The saddest to me is that she doesn't even know what she is missing out on. She is missing out on knowing my daughter, she hasn't seen what a lovely, gracious young woman my daughter is growing into. I watched her on St. Patrick's Day as she danced at a retirement facility here in town. She moved me to tears. She was so gracious and kind to each elderly person who spoke to her. She shook their hands, looked them in the eye and smiled. She was beautiful, not because of her outside, but because of the inner radiance, the kindness, the Grandma Eunice in her. My Grandma Lorraine will never see that. She won't know the tender heart in my son T. How empathetic he is. How he is so willing to love. So eager to please. She won't know the sparkle in C's eyes. My quiet boy. The one that feels but doesn't let you know what he feels. She won't recognize his smile. She won't see the hilarity in my M. How he loves to make you laugh. She would barely know them if they passed her in the street, because of her choice. That makes me sad for her. She is the one missing out on so much.
I am blessed. Even though I have been hurt, I am blessed by so much more. I am blessed with the wonderful grandparents I was given. I am blessed with four beautiful, loving, caring, fun children. Children I can share with my aunt and uncle. Children I am struggling to raise to be gracious, kind, empathetic souls. I am so thankful for that opportunity.
My grandma is going to live who knows how much longer, a lot or a little, as no one knows the time they are to go...but, I am at peace within myself with the relationship that I can't change. It isn't what I desire, but it is what I got.
I am now and will always be there for my mom while she does the right thing caring for her mom. She is showing such integrity. I am seeing a strength in my mom that I never saw before. I hope that continues.
In Tuesdays With Morrie, Morrie talks to the author about detaching from pain. Feeling it and seeing it for what it is and then detaching from it. That so describes what I have done regarding my grandma. I have let the pain of rejection wash over me. I have felt it and fought it for years. I decided to surrender to it, to feel it and see it for what it is, and now, I can detach myself from it. I think it is something ongoing, detaching. But, I acknowledge it and move away from it. It gives me such peace. There is such wisdom in that. The other thing from that book that I took away and I believe will be become part of me, is "Love each other or perish."
Today, I read Tuesdays With Morrie, another Costco impulse buy. I thouroughly enjoyed this one also. It was what I needed right now, considering all that is going on with my grandmother. I have come to many conclusions about that whole situation.
I had a lengthy conversation with my mom this morning. About many things, mostly my grandmother. I have come to a place regarding my grandma that has given me much peace. I understand that these walls were not built because of anything that I did. It's really amazing how quickly I went from an adult woman who was fairly confident to a hurt, little girl wondering why her grandma doesn't love her.
My grandma led a very difficult life. As did so many from her generation. I can't even for a moment begin to understand the hardship she experienced throughout her childhood. The Depression, a World War! Wow. She lived through alot. Her father wasn't a very nice person, she, for whatever reasons, was unable to rise above those experiences. She became a guarded, hard woman who lives in a world she created. I understand that none of that has anything to do with me. I get it. I accept it. to be hurt. I don't think that is cold or hard of me.
I realized just how grateful I am that I was blessed with such a wonderful paternal grandma. She loves me. Fiercely. Even now that I am in my 30's. She loves me with the same ferocity as when I was a baby struggling to live. I was blessed again with the incredible honor of my husband's grandma. She loved me as though I were her own. Her death last year impacted my life in ways I have yet to see. She left a gaping hole in our lives. We love her so much. She allowed me to experience the most beautifully, heartbreaking moment of my life. I was welcomed to her deathbed and held her hand and stroked her hair and kissed her face as she made the transition from this world to her home in heaven. I will forever be grateful that Grandma Eunice touched my life. I will grieve her loss forever. As I will my own grandma when her time comes. As I do my grandpa.
I have learned so much about myself and illness and death and respect through this sickness my grandmother is experiencing. It has given me so much appreciation for the ones that love me, and so much sadness for what I know she is missing out on. The saddest to me is that she doesn't even know what she is missing out on. She is missing out on knowing my daughter, she hasn't seen what a lovely, gracious young woman my daughter is growing into. I watched her on St. Patrick's Day as she danced at a retirement facility here in town. She moved me to tears. She was so gracious and kind to each elderly person who spoke to her. She shook their hands, looked them in the eye and smiled. She was beautiful, not because of her outside, but because of the inner radiance, the kindness, the Grandma Eunice in her. My Grandma Lorraine will never see that. She won't know the tender heart in my son T. How empathetic he is. How he is so willing to love. So eager to please. She won't know the sparkle in C's eyes. My quiet boy. The one that feels but doesn't let you know what he feels. She won't recognize his smile. She won't see the hilarity in my M. How he loves to make you laugh. She would barely know them if they passed her in the street, because of her choice. That makes me sad for her. She is the one missing out on so much.
I am blessed. Even though I have been hurt, I am blessed by so much more. I am blessed with the wonderful grandparents I was given. I am blessed with four beautiful, loving, caring, fun children. Children I can share with my aunt and uncle. Children I am struggling to raise to be gracious, kind, empathetic souls. I am so thankful for that opportunity.
My grandma is going to live who knows how much longer, a lot or a little, as no one knows the time they are to go...but, I am at peace within myself with the relationship that I can't change. It isn't what I desire, but it is what I got.
I am now and will always be there for my mom while she does the right thing caring for her mom. She is showing such integrity. I am seeing a strength in my mom that I never saw before. I hope that continues.
In Tuesdays With Morrie, Morrie talks to the author about detaching from pain. Feeling it and seeing it for what it is and then detaching from it. That so describes what I have done regarding my grandma. I have let the pain of rejection wash over me. I have felt it and fought it for years. I decided to surrender to it, to feel it and see it for what it is, and now, I can detach myself from it. I think it is something ongoing, detaching. But, I acknowledge it and move away from it. It gives me such peace. There is such wisdom in that. The other thing from that book that I took away and I believe will be become part of me, is "Love each other or perish."
Monday, April 2, 2007
Spring Break
Well, today was the first day of Spring Break. It started off at 5:55 am with a phone call from my dad telling me that my grandma was having another heart attack, and they were trying to stabilize her. He needed to get the phone number for my aunt, he and my mom rushed out of the house to get to the hospital when they got the call. She made it through this one with the help of a nitro drip along with a morphine drip. The dr. recommended an angioplasty. She refused. She called my aunt and her husband and told them that she loved them and told them good bye (which, by the way really upset both of them), then told my mom good bye and that she loved her, then she kicked my dad out of her room (she didn't tell him good bye or anything else). Around noon I got the call that she had decided to have the angioplasty, at 2. They were able to open up the one artery that was 80-90% clogged and unable to open the other one that is 90% clogged. She refused open heart surgery. So, my mom is doing OK. My aunt is having a blast in LA with my daughter. I am just here for my mom and my aunt.
R just called me and told me that she is having a great time. She shopped for 5 hours at the mall. She had a blast. She sent me some pictures and it looks like everyone is totally enjoying themself (selves?).
My boys have spent the day fighting. Which was rather annoying since I was busy trying to find out what my mom might be needing. I had to get a flat tire fixed, so I sat in Les Schwab for an hour today. But, I don't have a flat tire anymore! I didn't get any housework done, but that will have to happen tomorrow. I have a hair appointment in the morning. I am looking forward to an hour to myself.
R just called me and told me that she is having a great time. She shopped for 5 hours at the mall. She had a blast. She sent me some pictures and it looks like everyone is totally enjoying themself (selves?).
My boys have spent the day fighting. Which was rather annoying since I was busy trying to find out what my mom might be needing. I had to get a flat tire fixed, so I sat in Les Schwab for an hour today. But, I don't have a flat tire anymore! I didn't get any housework done, but that will have to happen tomorrow. I have a hair appointment in the morning. I am looking forward to an hour to myself.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Hurt
Well, my goal with this blog, originally, was to find funny, happy moments to share about my kids. But, it seems to have turned into something different...at least for today.
Friday morning my grandma had a heart attack. I don't feel anything. I don't feel sad or concerned or worried or anything. I really don't care.
Background: I have not had much of a relationship with my grandmother since I was a toddler. She happens to be uninterested in me or my life. She is uninterested in my children or my children's lives. Over the 14 years that we have had children, we have invited her to every birthday party, holiday celebration, etc you can imagine. She hasn't seen my family for right around 2 years. She did not come to my high school graduation, even though she was offered a ride to and from the ceremony. She called me on my wedding day and told me she would not be attending my wedding, because she didn't feel like coming. (My other grandma called her and told her she was going, and Grandma S picked Grandma L up. Grandma L still hasn't forgiven Grandma S for that.) Since my fifth birthday, she has forgotten my birthday every single year. I am her first grandchild, my birthday is three days before hers. I have tried to stay in contact with her, especially when the kids were really small. She really didn't want to see them or know them. The last time I tried to take the kids to see her, I asked if we could come over and she could see the "new" baby (M, now 7) and she said that she didn't have time to see us since she had to wash her hair.
Fast forward to Friday My dad called to tell me that Grandma L had suffered a heart attack and was en route to the hospital in an ambulance. He told me that my mom was doing OK (as this is her mom, I was a little worried about my mom's needs) and that he would let me know any updates. I felt nothing when he told me all of this. Nothing but concern for my mom.
Friday throughout the day and the night I felt incredibly guilty and beat myself up for being such an uncaring granddaughter, to not care that my own grandmother was sick, in the CCU and not doing so well. I didn't sleep well, because I was so busy being disturbed by my ambivalence about my grandma's health.
Saturday I called my mom on her cell, to find out how Grandma's night was and see how she was feeling. My mom asked me if I would like to talk to Grandma, since she was visiting her at the hospital. I said that I would like to talk to her, my mom asked her if she would like to talk to me, and she said "NO, I don't want to talk to her." I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. My mom didn't know what to say to me. As we were finishing our phone call, my grandma told my mom to thank me for my concern.
I am so beyond hurt. My One Tru Love asked me what was wrong, as I was crying and very angry, and I told him. He told me what I guess I've known since I was 5...she doesn't love me. That is very painful. She doesn't love me or my kids. We are just people she knows. She is just a woman I know who happens to be my grandmother. I don't even have words...
I guess I just need to vent still. I am baffled that a woman facing illness, and possible death, alone, would still push anyone who tries to care away. I try to justify it with her past, I know she had a tough life growing up. But, I don't understand. I just can't wrap my mind around it.
I remember when I was about 10 or 11 years old. My mom was crying in her room. Just sobbing, deep, belly sobs, I went in to try to console her, I asked her what was wrong, and she told me that her mom doesn't love her and never did. She told me that she was so sad that her own mom didn't want a relationship with her. She told me that she loved me and that she always has and that she would always want a relationship with me. I didn't understand her sadness, until yesterday. It is so deep to know that someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally would be so unhappy and unloving that they can't even see anything in you to love. That may not make much sense, but none of this does.
I guess this is my justification for not caring. This is just me letting myself know that it's OK for me to say that my grandmother is a woman I know. She is blood, but she does not and never has loved me. Experiencing rejection of this magnitude from family is just so unfathomable to me.
Friday morning my grandma had a heart attack. I don't feel anything. I don't feel sad or concerned or worried or anything. I really don't care.
Background: I have not had much of a relationship with my grandmother since I was a toddler. She happens to be uninterested in me or my life. She is uninterested in my children or my children's lives. Over the 14 years that we have had children, we have invited her to every birthday party, holiday celebration, etc you can imagine. She hasn't seen my family for right around 2 years. She did not come to my high school graduation, even though she was offered a ride to and from the ceremony. She called me on my wedding day and told me she would not be attending my wedding, because she didn't feel like coming. (My other grandma called her and told her she was going, and Grandma S picked Grandma L up. Grandma L still hasn't forgiven Grandma S for that.) Since my fifth birthday, she has forgotten my birthday every single year. I am her first grandchild, my birthday is three days before hers. I have tried to stay in contact with her, especially when the kids were really small. She really didn't want to see them or know them. The last time I tried to take the kids to see her, I asked if we could come over and she could see the "new" baby (M, now 7) and she said that she didn't have time to see us since she had to wash her hair.
Fast forward to Friday My dad called to tell me that Grandma L had suffered a heart attack and was en route to the hospital in an ambulance. He told me that my mom was doing OK (as this is her mom, I was a little worried about my mom's needs) and that he would let me know any updates. I felt nothing when he told me all of this. Nothing but concern for my mom.
Friday throughout the day and the night I felt incredibly guilty and beat myself up for being such an uncaring granddaughter, to not care that my own grandmother was sick, in the CCU and not doing so well. I didn't sleep well, because I was so busy being disturbed by my ambivalence about my grandma's health.
Saturday I called my mom on her cell, to find out how Grandma's night was and see how she was feeling. My mom asked me if I would like to talk to Grandma, since she was visiting her at the hospital. I said that I would like to talk to her, my mom asked her if she would like to talk to me, and she said "NO, I don't want to talk to her." I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. My mom didn't know what to say to me. As we were finishing our phone call, my grandma told my mom to thank me for my concern.
I am so beyond hurt. My One Tru Love asked me what was wrong, as I was crying and very angry, and I told him. He told me what I guess I've known since I was 5...she doesn't love me. That is very painful. She doesn't love me or my kids. We are just people she knows. She is just a woman I know who happens to be my grandmother. I don't even have words...
I guess I just need to vent still. I am baffled that a woman facing illness, and possible death, alone, would still push anyone who tries to care away. I try to justify it with her past, I know she had a tough life growing up. But, I don't understand. I just can't wrap my mind around it.
I remember when I was about 10 or 11 years old. My mom was crying in her room. Just sobbing, deep, belly sobs, I went in to try to console her, I asked her what was wrong, and she told me that her mom doesn't love her and never did. She told me that she was so sad that her own mom didn't want a relationship with her. She told me that she loved me and that she always has and that she would always want a relationship with me. I didn't understand her sadness, until yesterday. It is so deep to know that someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally would be so unhappy and unloving that they can't even see anything in you to love. That may not make much sense, but none of this does.
I guess this is my justification for not caring. This is just me letting myself know that it's OK for me to say that my grandmother is a woman I know. She is blood, but she does not and never has loved me. Experiencing rejection of this magnitude from family is just so unfathomable to me.
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