Sunday, April 1, 2007

Hurt

Well, my goal with this blog, originally, was to find funny, happy moments to share about my kids. But, it seems to have turned into something different...at least for today.
Friday morning my grandma had a heart attack. I don't feel anything. I don't feel sad or concerned or worried or anything. I really don't care.
Background: I have not had much of a relationship with my grandmother since I was a toddler. She happens to be uninterested in me or my life. She is uninterested in my children or my children's lives. Over the 14 years that we have had children, we have invited her to every birthday party, holiday celebration, etc you can imagine. She hasn't seen my family for right around 2 years. She did not come to my high school graduation, even though she was offered a ride to and from the ceremony. She called me on my wedding day and told me she would not be attending my wedding, because she didn't feel like coming. (My other grandma called her and told her she was going, and Grandma S picked Grandma L up. Grandma L still hasn't forgiven Grandma S for that.) Since my fifth birthday, she has forgotten my birthday every single year. I am her first grandchild, my birthday is three days before hers. I have tried to stay in contact with her, especially when the kids were really small. She really didn't want to see them or know them. The last time I tried to take the kids to see her, I asked if we could come over and she could see the "new" baby (M, now 7) and she said that she didn't have time to see us since she had to wash her hair.
Fast forward to Friday My dad called to tell me that Grandma L had suffered a heart attack and was en route to the hospital in an ambulance. He told me that my mom was doing OK (as this is her mom, I was a little worried about my mom's needs) and that he would let me know any updates. I felt nothing when he told me all of this. Nothing but concern for my mom.
Friday throughout the day and the night I felt incredibly guilty and beat myself up for being such an uncaring granddaughter, to not care that my own grandmother was sick, in the CCU and not doing so well. I didn't sleep well, because I was so busy being disturbed by my ambivalence about my grandma's health.
Saturday I called my mom on her cell, to find out how Grandma's night was and see how she was feeling. My mom asked me if I would like to talk to Grandma, since she was visiting her at the hospital. I said that I would like to talk to her, my mom asked her if she would like to talk to me, and she said "NO, I don't want to talk to her." I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. My mom didn't know what to say to me. As we were finishing our phone call, my grandma told my mom to thank me for my concern.
I am so beyond hurt. My One Tru Love asked me what was wrong, as I was crying and very angry, and I told him. He told me what I guess I've known since I was 5...she doesn't love me. That is very painful. She doesn't love me or my kids. We are just people she knows. She is just a woman I know who happens to be my grandmother. I don't even have words...
I guess I just need to vent still. I am baffled that a woman facing illness, and possible death, alone, would still push anyone who tries to care away. I try to justify it with her past, I know she had a tough life growing up. But, I don't understand. I just can't wrap my mind around it.
I remember when I was about 10 or 11 years old. My mom was crying in her room. Just sobbing, deep, belly sobs, I went in to try to console her, I asked her what was wrong, and she told me that her mom doesn't love her and never did. She told me that she was so sad that her own mom didn't want a relationship with her. She told me that she loved me and that she always has and that she would always want a relationship with me. I didn't understand her sadness, until yesterday. It is so deep to know that someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally would be so unhappy and unloving that they can't even see anything in you to love. That may not make much sense, but none of this does.
I guess this is my justification for not caring. This is just me letting myself know that it's OK for me to say that my grandmother is a woman I know. She is blood, but she does not and never has loved me. Experiencing rejection of this magnitude from family is just so unfathomable to me.

2 comments:

tracey.becker1@gmail.com said...

I truly do not know what you are going through, but I can imagine what it would be like to never receive love from such an important person (usually) in your life. I'm sorry that you and your mother never got that love... And I'm sorry that your grandmother never knew how to give love. I hope that you can find some peace in this... And I am SO sorry for your mother... It's one thing to be rejected by your grandmother, but by the woman who bore you? No words...

Forgive yourself for your ambivalence, as it's not your fault, and take care of your mom. She needs you.

Tricia said...

Yuck! I'm sorry for this.