Fried Chicken

My washing machine is fixed! HIP HIP HOORAY! Now I don't have an excuse for not doing laundry. The night that my machine was getting fixed, a friend had a cookie party she invited me to. I couldn't go because the repair man was here still and somehow I didn't think he would want to be responsible for my four children, and I know he wanted to get paid. At any rate. I stayed home and cooked a really good dinner. My daughter who is quite health conscious right now, didn't want the fried chicken I was planning on making, so I went ahead and made her a chicken breast with no breading and just seasoned with lemon pepper. I made a ton of fried chicken and some rice. I figured that at best we would have leftovers for lunch the next day. Hah. I worked for a good hour making my family a nice meal...and NO ONE ate it. R ate her chicken breast, but no rice, and then T had one piece of chicken and no rice (did I mention, I thought that the kids would all want rice, so I made enough for a small army). I don't generally like fried chicken, and especially dark meat, which is what the men in my life prefer, so I only ate some rice. At any rate, I have a literal ton of fried chicken left over and it needs to be eaten! Gotta love my family!
I've been doing a whole lot of research on dyslexia today. My ten year old son C is dyslexic, as is My One Tru Love. It is such an interesting learning disability. Which by the way I hate that word. I see my son as a brilliant, smart, empathetic, loving boy, who is so sensitive, but keeps all of his feelings locked away. He takes care of me. He loves me.
Each of my four children have special meanings to me. I know that is probably weird...but each of their personalities and the way they relate to me is so different. R, my daughter is my joy, she brings me joy. She dances and brings tears to my eyes. She draws the most beautiful pictures and is so talented. She overwhelms me as I watch her grow into such a lovely young woman. T is my hope. He is my boy who has been thrown so many curves is life. He had a rough start from the beginning, then has lived experiences no child should have to live. He brings hope that all will be well. C is my heart. He loves me and takes care of me. As a toddler, he always saved the last little portion of food for me. He worries about me and is my fiercest protector. Any person who hurts me is his enemy. M is simply my baby. I baby him, to his detriment. He loves on me and gives me the opportunity to see my strengths and my weaknesses. My babies are too special for words.
My heart breaks wide open for C. I know the struggle he will have because of the way his little brain is wired. I wish it could be easier for him. I wish it could be "normal" for him. And it is something I have to remind myself is not my fault. I wish I could take all of the struggle for him. I wish there was some way to make it easy for him. Today I had one of many breakdowns regarding his difficulties. I completely lost my temper and cried in front of many people. I fortunately didn't yell at anyone. I just was so frustrated and angry and pent up. It all exploded. I felt like such a fool, but I just feel sometimes so at fault for his problems. I guess that goes along with having anything "wrong" with your child. It is all a new world to me. As we only have had C diagnosed for about a year. I am through the honeymoon period where I am just happy to have a diagnosis. An answer for all of the questions. Now, I guess I am just in that learning what it really means phase. His teacher right now isn't making this whole process much easier for either of us. But, I have realized that the only one who can speak for C is me. I am his mother. I know him and feel his emotions more than any other person in his school. I am his advocate. I am normally not a confrontational person, and I am learning through this experience when confrontation is necessary. I am learning how to get what C needs.
I know that all things work together for good. I know that there is a reason for everything. I realize that sometimes the things that are thrown at us in life lead us down the paths we were supposed to go on all along. I have made the decision of my life. I never wanted to be anything but a mom. Which I have become. I love my job as Mom. I would not trade a second of it for anything. But, I never had much in the way of career goals. I had dreams, dreams of being a nurse. My mom always tried to convince me to be a teacher. But I really didn't want to be a teacher. I don't like standing in front of anyone at all for any reason. But, I have realized that my son's struggle has opened a desire in my heart to become a teacher. To soldier on and get my credential, to become a teacher for children like him. Special needs children. Children that have difficulty learning, through no fault of their own. I want to empower those kids and their parents to know that they are OK and can be everything they want to be.
My life has changed on so many levels in the last 20 years. I don't know if I even know the girl I used to be. I have become so much more. It is hard. But oh so rewarding to love the five people in my life with such completion, with such ferocity, with such passion. I didn't know it was possible to feel the depth, How blessed am I? I can whine and complain. I can feel overwhelmed. I can want the world to stop so I can get off. But, in the long run. I wouldn't trade any of it for my children and My One Tru Love.