My baby girl is 15 years old. I really can't believe that 15 years ago, I had a new baby girl in my arms. I reguarly brag about her and all of her accomplishments. So I won't go into all of the ways I think she's wonderful...too much...I really can't believe that I have a 15 year old. I really can't possibly be old enough to have a 15 year old.
The years have flown. I really can't believe that I thought she would be a baby forever and that I would never sleep again. She was a horrible sleeper. I was exhausted, sick and overwhelmed when I brought her home from the hospital on January 3, 1992. I didn't really know what I was going to do with her. I had babysat before, but, to be ultimately responsible for her! Wow.
Let me tell you her story...
I was 21 years old. I lived with my parents and worked for my parents, and I felt trapped and like I would live at home forever. Enter Erich. He rescued me. But, my parents hated him. I got pregnant. I hid my pregnancy for as long as I could. I was in denial. Erich and I decided to get married. We planned our wedding in 10 or 12 days. We got married, I was 7 months pregnant (and just starting to show...). I had not gone to the doctor throughout my pregnancy, because I was denying to myself even that I was pregnant. I went to my first appointment, and was promptly put on bedrest. I was dilated to 1 and 80% effaced. We made it through all of that.
December 28, 1992, I went to the doctor for my regular appointment, I was due January 11, and had a little bit longer to go. The dr. checked me and seemed rather concerned. Fourtunately Erich was with me at this particular appointment. The dr. told me that the baby was in a transverse breech position and due to the fact that I was small and didn't seem to have a whole lot of amniotic fluid, he was not willing to try to turn "him". I was dilated to 3 cm, and having relatively regular (though unfelt) contractions. I needed to schedule a C section ASAP, and go home, go to bed and not do anything until I could get into the hospital. If I had any felt contractions, or if my water broke, I was to go directly to the hospital. The C section was scheduled for December 30. We went home in shock. I did everything I was told.
December 30 I went to the hospital and started getting prepped for surgery. This included a sonogram. The sonogram gave us some very bad news. The sonogram showed that the baby was about 4 pounds. That it was probably a boy. It also indicated that my dates were wrong and I was not actually 38 weeks pregnant, I was about 28-32 weeks pregnant. I was dilated to 5 by now, and having very regular (though still unfelt) contractions, so there was no choice but to deliver the baby, fly him to Sacramento, and hope for the best.
We were terrified. We were young and overwhelmed.
At 12:34 pm, December 30, 1992, our "premature boy" was pulled from my belly, screaming HER head off and 6 lbs. 11 oz. She was absolutely beautiful. Her APGARs were outstanding, and she didn't need to be flown anywhere or have any treatments whatsoever due to being early. She had jaundice but that isn't uncommon. Erich named her (on his own, I might add) after his great grandmother and my mom. I didn't know what her name was or that she even had a name, until I was brought into recovery. Honestly, I didn't like it at first, but after a few days, I realized her name fit her perfectly.
We ended up in the hospital for a total of 5 days due to her jaundice and I got a strep B infection.
She was unplanned. But, oh, my she definitely was the highlight of my life. I never knew I could love anyone like I love her. She is amazing, and has been from the day she was born.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas to all,
and to all an augmentin, amoxcycillin, hydromet cocktail. These are the drugs of choice in my household this Holly Jolly Season. My Christmas holiday began on Friday, December 21. I ran out to do the food shopping, which went surprisingly well. When I got home, the plan was to clean and make cookies, and spend an enjoyable afternoon home with my four lovely children. At around 2 pm, M started screaming hysterically, running around the room, holding his head and crying uncontrollably. After trying to calm him somewhat, I discovered that he had an earache. Which meant he probably had an ear infection, because he had been sick all week with "the cough" and a bit of a fever. I rushed him over to Prompt Care for some help. Really all I wanted was the magic ear drops that take away the pain. A prescription for amoxcycillin, albuterol, a breathing treatment, and two hours later, we were on our way home. He had a double ear infection and bronchitis. We were due to leave for my parents house the next day. They live in the mountains at about 4,000 feet elevation. So, that looked like it was out. I picked up C from his friend's house, and he appeared to have "the cough". He wasn't running a temperature or anything, yet, just had "the cough". Saturday, he woke up with a fever and "the cough" which caused him to throw up three times before 10 am. So, back to Prompt Care. This time we left with a prescription for Prednisone (C has asthma), no antibiotics, and a pat on the back. We spent the next afternoon, and the following day in misery. C was so incredibly sick. He wasn't eating anything. He was coughing constantly, and throwing up from the coughing. The inhaler wasn't working, the prednisone wasn't helping. So, Christmas Eve day, I called Prompt Care and asked if I should bring him back in, his fever was higher, and he was not getting any better. They told me to wait three more days! I decided to visit Immediate Care with him. Get a second opinion. I knew my boy was very sick. There, we got a prescription for Augmentin, another albuterol inhaler, and hydromet which is a vicodin based cough syrup (as my little brood are all allergic to codeine). The doctor we saw actually listened to me and looked at C for more than 2 seconds, and told me that I was right, I had a very sick little boy, who definitely had bronchitis and was not getting any better.
Christmas Eve was spent at my in laws home with my sick boys. I had to bring along the drugs. C has to take his with food, and M has to take his three times a day. C and I left immediately after opening gifts to come home to some peace and quiet, and he needed to take the cough syrup so that hopefully, the poor guy could get a little bit of rest.
Fortunately, due to prevailing illness, the kids didn't get up at the crack of dawn. They slept in until 7 am. Actually, C and M would have slept longer but T couldn't contain his excitement, and woke us all.
Santa was good to all. R said she didn't expect to get everything she wanted and she did. I'm so very happy. I have the most amazing daughter. She collected pictures of her and her brothers, and she made a DVD for me with music and a photo montage. She is so wonderful. I cried those happy/sad tears. Happy, because I felt so loved, sad, because the years have so flown.
My boys all put thought into their gifts for me. I was touched beyond words. I am a lucky woman to have children who love me so.
Well, another dose of amoxcycillin is due. So, I have to go bribe M into taking it yet again. I think we promised him a dollar for each time he swallowed the nasty stuff, and he's up to $11 now. (I know bribery is bad, but he needed to take the medicine and I was willing to offer him just about anything if he'd just take it without a fight).
Merry Christmas.
Christmas Eve was spent at my in laws home with my sick boys. I had to bring along the drugs. C has to take his with food, and M has to take his three times a day. C and I left immediately after opening gifts to come home to some peace and quiet, and he needed to take the cough syrup so that hopefully, the poor guy could get a little bit of rest.
Fortunately, due to prevailing illness, the kids didn't get up at the crack of dawn. They slept in until 7 am. Actually, C and M would have slept longer but T couldn't contain his excitement, and woke us all.
Santa was good to all. R said she didn't expect to get everything she wanted and she did. I'm so very happy. I have the most amazing daughter. She collected pictures of her and her brothers, and she made a DVD for me with music and a photo montage. She is so wonderful. I cried those happy/sad tears. Happy, because I felt so loved, sad, because the years have so flown.
My boys all put thought into their gifts for me. I was touched beyond words. I am a lucky woman to have children who love me so.
Well, another dose of amoxcycillin is due. So, I have to go bribe M into taking it yet again. I think we promised him a dollar for each time he swallowed the nasty stuff, and he's up to $11 now. (I know bribery is bad, but he needed to take the medicine and I was willing to offer him just about anything if he'd just take it without a fight).
Merry Christmas.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
The Tru Family Gift Giving Profile
My mother in law emailed me a couple of weeks ago with a suggestion that we should each (her, my father in law, 2 brothers in law and my sister in law) fill out a gift giving profile which includes the following items, Name, age, shirt size, pants size, shoe size, color preference, interests, and wish list.
OK. Our family isn't so large that it's easy to forget everyone. There are only three sons, 2 daughters in law, and 4 grandchildren. It isn't like we are incredible spread out either. My brother and sister in law live in LA. But, their interests don't really change. We know them.
My in laws live literally 2/3 of a mile away from us. Before Thanksgiving, they hadn't seen my younger boys since the beginning of the school year. Not, because I have denied them their grandchildren either. They don't ask. I could begin a rampage about these grandparents that would last pages and pages. I choose not to do that right now. Suffice it to say that they are less than desirable in the grandparent arena. Which, I am fine with, generally. I get irritated when stupid things like gift giving profiles are entered into my life. I got no less than 5 emails (that is how my Mother in law communicates with me) reminding me to fill out the damn profile. I finally did. But as sparingly as possible. My feeling is if they don't know Erich after 36 years, and me after 15 years, and our children well enough to creatively purchase presents, I would rather them not.
Let me tell you, my brothers in law and sister in law's profiles were filled out much the same as ours. Sparingly. But, my mother and father in laws profiles were very precisely filled out. Too bad I already got my mother in law a gift, and it's not on her damn profile.
Can you tell I'm a bit bitter about this? I just feel as though it takes away from the joy of choosing and purchasing gifts for your family. It seriously annoys me, and on some level, I believe, offends me.
I enjoy Christmas, with my children. I don't enjoy all of the hooplah around it. Including visiting the in laws and pretending that we are one big happy healthy family. That family is sick sick sick. I don't particularly enjoy even going to my parents home for the holidays, because it's really kind of boring and the pressure is amazing, but it's much more enjoyable by far than the in laws.
This year, I am trying to not let myself dread the upcoming festivities. I am trying to keep a positive attitude.
On another note...Last night, the family and I went to the Stansbury House Christmas. It was so fun. I am a huge lover of history. I have wanted to visit the Stansbury House since I moved to Chico, I just have been unable to make it to visit during their unpredictable hours. We heard the ad for the annual Christmas tour and jumped on it. I am ready to volunteer there. If you live in the Chico area, you HAVE to make it a point to visit this home at some time. It was donated to the city when the last living child of Dr. Stansbury died. She left all of the original furnishings, carpet and wallpaper. It is really amazing! She was born in the house in 1883 and died there in 1974. after living in the house her entire life. She graduated from Chico High, and was an art teacher there as her career. I can't wait to go back someday and hear more stories, and ask more questions. I was truly amazed and thoroughly enjoyed it. And, the kids had their picture taken with Ol' St. Nick. What a fun evening.
Well, tonight it Erich's work holiday party. I have a little shopping to do, to find some accessories to wear with my dress. It's totally windy and freezing today, of course, so I will probably freeze my tootsies off tonight. Oh, well, free dinner...
OK. Our family isn't so large that it's easy to forget everyone. There are only three sons, 2 daughters in law, and 4 grandchildren. It isn't like we are incredible spread out either. My brother and sister in law live in LA. But, their interests don't really change. We know them.
My in laws live literally 2/3 of a mile away from us. Before Thanksgiving, they hadn't seen my younger boys since the beginning of the school year. Not, because I have denied them their grandchildren either. They don't ask. I could begin a rampage about these grandparents that would last pages and pages. I choose not to do that right now. Suffice it to say that they are less than desirable in the grandparent arena. Which, I am fine with, generally. I get irritated when stupid things like gift giving profiles are entered into my life. I got no less than 5 emails (that is how my Mother in law communicates with me) reminding me to fill out the damn profile. I finally did. But as sparingly as possible. My feeling is if they don't know Erich after 36 years, and me after 15 years, and our children well enough to creatively purchase presents, I would rather them not.
Let me tell you, my brothers in law and sister in law's profiles were filled out much the same as ours. Sparingly. But, my mother and father in laws profiles were very precisely filled out. Too bad I already got my mother in law a gift, and it's not on her damn profile.
Can you tell I'm a bit bitter about this? I just feel as though it takes away from the joy of choosing and purchasing gifts for your family. It seriously annoys me, and on some level, I believe, offends me.
I enjoy Christmas, with my children. I don't enjoy all of the hooplah around it. Including visiting the in laws and pretending that we are one big happy healthy family. That family is sick sick sick. I don't particularly enjoy even going to my parents home for the holidays, because it's really kind of boring and the pressure is amazing, but it's much more enjoyable by far than the in laws.
This year, I am trying to not let myself dread the upcoming festivities. I am trying to keep a positive attitude.
On another note...Last night, the family and I went to the Stansbury House Christmas. It was so fun. I am a huge lover of history. I have wanted to visit the Stansbury House since I moved to Chico, I just have been unable to make it to visit during their unpredictable hours. We heard the ad for the annual Christmas tour and jumped on it. I am ready to volunteer there. If you live in the Chico area, you HAVE to make it a point to visit this home at some time. It was donated to the city when the last living child of Dr. Stansbury died. She left all of the original furnishings, carpet and wallpaper. It is really amazing! She was born in the house in 1883 and died there in 1974. after living in the house her entire life. She graduated from Chico High, and was an art teacher there as her career. I can't wait to go back someday and hear more stories, and ask more questions. I was truly amazed and thoroughly enjoyed it. And, the kids had their picture taken with Ol' St. Nick. What a fun evening.
Well, tonight it Erich's work holiday party. I have a little shopping to do, to find some accessories to wear with my dress. It's totally windy and freezing today, of course, so I will probably freeze my tootsies off tonight. Oh, well, free dinner...
Thursday, December 6, 2007
I Don't Have Time!
This is what I mumble, yell, say at least 300 times a day. It has become distressing to me that the thing I say most frequently is that I don't have time. I don't have time to come into the house after school and sit down with my kids and watch TV or read them a book or help with homework. Because, after working at a job all day, I have to go grocery shopping, run errands, go to DMV...and I just don't have time.
I really don't enjoy that aspect of myself. I begin my morning knowing that I don't have time. I don't have time to lovingly wake my boys and make them breakfast. I rush in and turn on the light and tell them to get up...NOW! Then I run out, then as I dash by their bedroom 15 times in 20 minutes, I holler in the door, "Get up now! I don't have time!" How sad is that?
Over the last week I have noticed how often I say that. Too many times. I am feeling a bit guilty. I feel so rushed and overwhelmed. I know that I should enlist the older kids to help out, but, then I am flooded with guilt for making them pick up the loose ends because I work...I know that is completely irrational. But, I have been a stay at home mom for the last 12 years. I only came into the workforce part time(20 hrs. a week)last year, before that, I only worked about 10 hours a week. Which was great when I had a little one at home, and in Kindergarten.
I'm not complaining, I am not lamenting my job. I love it. I love that I am at the school, and C can pop in and tell me "Hi" off and on. I love that when I forget to put a bandaid on that nasty staph infected bump on his arm, all I have to do is call his teacher and have him sent to ME. I love that I get paid for what I do. I love that I have benefits. I guess what is bothering me is that I have spoiled my family having been a stay at home mom for so long, and they don't know how to take care of themselves or help me out. Thus, the house is a disaster, I am overwhelmed, and contemplating the benefits of too much alcohol.
I don't know how to voice my needs. I don't know how to accept help from anyone. I am a caretaker. I am a MOM. I have learned so much about myself and my weaknesses through having children. They kind of bring you to a point of self realization. But, one of the things I haven't learned is how not to spoil them rotten. I run myself ragged for them. I love them desperately. I can't even put it into words. But, I can't help but think that I do them a disservice by not teaching them to step up and help out. To recognize someone in need and just help, not because of the pay, not because there is anything in it for them, just because it's the right thing to do. I know that they are great kids and would help out a perfect stranger, or friends, but when they watch me running from one end of the house to the other, doing at least 3 things at once, it would be nice to hear one of them take the initiative to take one of the things off of my to do list. I think I have fallen into whining, so I will stop...
There are only 18 more shopping days until Christmas, no, I am not nearly done. Not even close. There is alot to do next pay day. I'm trying to keep a good attitude as I fight the Christmas crowds. We have all but one of the BIG presents, it's all of the piddly stuff that's left.
Next post...my experience with my Mother in Law's Gift Giving Profile....
I really don't enjoy that aspect of myself. I begin my morning knowing that I don't have time. I don't have time to lovingly wake my boys and make them breakfast. I rush in and turn on the light and tell them to get up...NOW! Then I run out, then as I dash by their bedroom 15 times in 20 minutes, I holler in the door, "Get up now! I don't have time!" How sad is that?
Over the last week I have noticed how often I say that. Too many times. I am feeling a bit guilty. I feel so rushed and overwhelmed. I know that I should enlist the older kids to help out, but, then I am flooded with guilt for making them pick up the loose ends because I work...I know that is completely irrational. But, I have been a stay at home mom for the last 12 years. I only came into the workforce part time(20 hrs. a week)last year, before that, I only worked about 10 hours a week. Which was great when I had a little one at home, and in Kindergarten.
I'm not complaining, I am not lamenting my job. I love it. I love that I am at the school, and C can pop in and tell me "Hi" off and on. I love that when I forget to put a bandaid on that nasty staph infected bump on his arm, all I have to do is call his teacher and have him sent to ME. I love that I get paid for what I do. I love that I have benefits. I guess what is bothering me is that I have spoiled my family having been a stay at home mom for so long, and they don't know how to take care of themselves or help me out. Thus, the house is a disaster, I am overwhelmed, and contemplating the benefits of too much alcohol.
I don't know how to voice my needs. I don't know how to accept help from anyone. I am a caretaker. I am a MOM. I have learned so much about myself and my weaknesses through having children. They kind of bring you to a point of self realization. But, one of the things I haven't learned is how not to spoil them rotten. I run myself ragged for them. I love them desperately. I can't even put it into words. But, I can't help but think that I do them a disservice by not teaching them to step up and help out. To recognize someone in need and just help, not because of the pay, not because there is anything in it for them, just because it's the right thing to do. I know that they are great kids and would help out a perfect stranger, or friends, but when they watch me running from one end of the house to the other, doing at least 3 things at once, it would be nice to hear one of them take the initiative to take one of the things off of my to do list. I think I have fallen into whining, so I will stop...
There are only 18 more shopping days until Christmas, no, I am not nearly done. Not even close. There is alot to do next pay day. I'm trying to keep a good attitude as I fight the Christmas crowds. We have all but one of the BIG presents, it's all of the piddly stuff that's left.
Next post...my experience with my Mother in Law's Gift Giving Profile....
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Randomness at it's Finest
I'm tired. I have a headache. And Tricia guilted me into posting again. ARGH.
No really, if not for Tricia I probably would forget about blogging all together.
The new job is going well. I am very busy all of the time. I like it. I'm loving the money. I can't complain.
The kids are doing well. M had his eyes screened for the 2nd grade vision screening and the nurse suggested that we visit the eye doctor. Which we did (because we have insurance thanks to the new job) and lo! and behold, the little man needs glasses. He has and astigmatism in his left eye and his vision isn't so hot in his left eye. So, hopefully, specs will help him see better and will help him with his reading. My eye appointment is December 5, I already know that I have an astigmatism. My eyes have been bugging me more lately, since I am at a computer all day. So, I am sure that I will be bespectacled after the 5.
Thanksgiving was OK. We had a fabulous morning. Erich and I took the boys to upper park and hiked Monkey Rock and then headed over to Bear Hole and hiked around there. It was a beautiful day here, and we actually got a little warm with all that exercise. We had a nice meal with my in laws. I only had to make mashed potatoes. Not to strenuous.
Friday after Thanksgiving I met my high school best friend for breakfast. I had a nice time with her. I seem to only see her on the big holidays when she's in town to visit her parents. Of all of my friends from my younger years, she is the only one who consciously makes an effort to keep in contact.
After breakfast, I raced home to pack all the kiddies and myself and I drove up to my parents house in Shingletown. We ate another Thanksgiving meal and relaxed and enjoyed each other's company.
Saturday my dad had the boys cutting wood and stacking wood, they had fun, and I didn't have to do it! Then we went to see Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. I fell asleep. What can I say. If I sit still too long, the eyes, they get heavy. I couldn't help it. I've always been that way. I fall asleep even during movies I really want to see. I just can't stay awake if I get too still. Oh, well, it was a cute movie.
We then headed into town to look at the lights in downtown Redding. It was amazing. A man there has taken his own time and money and decorated a block of downtown Redding. There is a toy store, Santa Claus, Christmas music, a huge Christmas tree every inch lighted. I took M to sit on Santa's lap, who was a very neat man, I might add. He spent a good 5 minutes talking to M. It was the first time M had been to visit the jolly old elf. I know, he's 7 and I'm a bad mom. At least we made it before he was 14.
Then Sunday was back home and to laundry, a bit of Christmas shopping, and real life. Monday we were back to school and work.
The break went very fast. But, it was nice. I am not ready for the challenge of Christmas shopping, because it just doesn't seem possible that Christmas is a mere 27 days away. Ugh. The shopping, the wrapping, the decorating, the parties, the goodies, the merriment...am I ready? Then to top all of that off my mother in law sent me a form to fill out for everyone in my family (the kids, me and Erich) she emailed me the form as an attachment to an email. It is the "Gift Giving Personal Profile" To be filled out and emailed to all pertinent gift buyers. Such things included on the profile are size, (shoes, shirt, pants) color preference, hobbies and interests.
Here's my beef, she is my children's grandmother. She lives 2/3 of a mile away, why doesn't she know her grandchildren well enough to just Christmas shop for them? Why do I have to take time out of my busy day to illuminate her on the likes and dislikes of her grandchildren? Besides, Erich is her SON!!! Doesn't she know him well enough to purchase a Christmas gift for him? Holy $%*(!!!
Anyhow, onto the Family Tree project for 2nd grade. I guess I have to help M write down our family traditions, and on Dec 12 I will be making the most difficult cookie to make! So he can take it to class. That's the kind of mom I am.
No really, if not for Tricia I probably would forget about blogging all together.
The new job is going well. I am very busy all of the time. I like it. I'm loving the money. I can't complain.
The kids are doing well. M had his eyes screened for the 2nd grade vision screening and the nurse suggested that we visit the eye doctor. Which we did (because we have insurance thanks to the new job) and lo! and behold, the little man needs glasses. He has and astigmatism in his left eye and his vision isn't so hot in his left eye. So, hopefully, specs will help him see better and will help him with his reading. My eye appointment is December 5, I already know that I have an astigmatism. My eyes have been bugging me more lately, since I am at a computer all day. So, I am sure that I will be bespectacled after the 5.
Thanksgiving was OK. We had a fabulous morning. Erich and I took the boys to upper park and hiked Monkey Rock and then headed over to Bear Hole and hiked around there. It was a beautiful day here, and we actually got a little warm with all that exercise. We had a nice meal with my in laws. I only had to make mashed potatoes. Not to strenuous.
Friday after Thanksgiving I met my high school best friend for breakfast. I had a nice time with her. I seem to only see her on the big holidays when she's in town to visit her parents. Of all of my friends from my younger years, she is the only one who consciously makes an effort to keep in contact.
After breakfast, I raced home to pack all the kiddies and myself and I drove up to my parents house in Shingletown. We ate another Thanksgiving meal and relaxed and enjoyed each other's company.
Saturday my dad had the boys cutting wood and stacking wood, they had fun, and I didn't have to do it! Then we went to see Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. I fell asleep. What can I say. If I sit still too long, the eyes, they get heavy. I couldn't help it. I've always been that way. I fall asleep even during movies I really want to see. I just can't stay awake if I get too still. Oh, well, it was a cute movie.
We then headed into town to look at the lights in downtown Redding. It was amazing. A man there has taken his own time and money and decorated a block of downtown Redding. There is a toy store, Santa Claus, Christmas music, a huge Christmas tree every inch lighted. I took M to sit on Santa's lap, who was a very neat man, I might add. He spent a good 5 minutes talking to M. It was the first time M had been to visit the jolly old elf. I know, he's 7 and I'm a bad mom. At least we made it before he was 14.
Then Sunday was back home and to laundry, a bit of Christmas shopping, and real life. Monday we were back to school and work.
The break went very fast. But, it was nice. I am not ready for the challenge of Christmas shopping, because it just doesn't seem possible that Christmas is a mere 27 days away. Ugh. The shopping, the wrapping, the decorating, the parties, the goodies, the merriment...am I ready? Then to top all of that off my mother in law sent me a form to fill out for everyone in my family (the kids, me and Erich) she emailed me the form as an attachment to an email. It is the "Gift Giving Personal Profile" To be filled out and emailed to all pertinent gift buyers. Such things included on the profile are size, (shoes, shirt, pants) color preference, hobbies and interests.
Here's my beef, she is my children's grandmother. She lives 2/3 of a mile away, why doesn't she know her grandchildren well enough to just Christmas shop for them? Why do I have to take time out of my busy day to illuminate her on the likes and dislikes of her grandchildren? Besides, Erich is her SON!!! Doesn't she know him well enough to purchase a Christmas gift for him? Holy $%*(!!!
Anyhow, onto the Family Tree project for 2nd grade. I guess I have to help M write down our family traditions, and on Dec 12 I will be making the most difficult cookie to make! So he can take it to class. That's the kind of mom I am.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Here ya go, Tricia!
Oh, my. It has been a long time since I blogged. I've been a bit on the preoccupied side.
I got a new job. Full time. I love it. I'm still at the school with my kids, just not doing the Instructional Aide thing or the Yard Duty (yippee! I can't say I miss the outdoor elements or the drama...although I do miss the kids...). I am now in the office, doing accounts receivable, lunch program, learning accounts payable and apparently going to be learning the ordering process soon. I love being inside, I like getting to dress like a girl, and I like the challenge and learning new things. I feel so lucky and blessed that I was granted this opportunity.
October 10 was my 15th wedding anniversary...Before anyone gets all gushy wondering what romantic weekend getaway we went on...My husband is in Idaho and has been since October 7. He left in the wee hours of the morning 6 days ago to hunt for our 15th wedding anniversary.
I have never been, nor ever will be interested in roughing it camping or in hunting, anything. I am a girl. I like to use flush toilets. I don't particularly like the mountains, I'm more of a coastal kind of California girl. I don't mind that he has interests outside of me. I rather like it. I don't want to have to say excuse me when I turn around because he is attached to my hip. I like having a bit of independence...
The thing that has been instigating my mid-life crisis, is that I realized that my life is much easier when I don't have him around. He has told me for the whole 15 years that we've been married that he wants me to be OK with him going and doing the things he likes and he doesn't want me to make him feel guilty for leaving us behind. I have gotten there. In the last 7 years or so, I have gotten to the point where I really don't care if he is here or if he isn't. I have been happy when he has chosen us, and fine with him choosing his interests. It seemed like a nice place to be emotionally, I wasn't feeling all left behind and put off. I just kind of let him live his life his way and he could be involved with the kids and me if he chose.
A month ago I realized that I prefer him being gone. It is much easier for me to take care of business without him to take my time. I have a lot to do, and I have done it all on my own for the last 15 years. I have had little to no help raising the kids. I don't want to start a "Let's hate Erich" club and whine about all of the ways he is a butthead. I just realized that I have settled for less than I deserve. I deserve to be higher on someone's priority list than a close 3rd to shooting. I deserve to be #1 and I deserve to have the person I am with understand that my birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas and our wedding anniversary are important not to be forgotten or taken lightly dates. I deserve to be with a man who is not worried about how things look, as long as he's happy with me and with our children. Looks are deceiving.
He learned the art of game playing with some masters. His parents are all about how things look. As long as it looks pretty on the outside with a nice little bow then that means everything inside is beautiful, right? I have become disenchanted with that way of thinking. I choose not to play that game anymore. I don't have to make everything look great on the outside, I can be a real person and let people into my real world.
I am reconsidering my life...I'm not considering abandoning my children, husband and life and running off to the big city to pursue my acting dream (I really don't have one), I am just realizing that marrying young, insecure as I was, forced me to settle for way less than I ever should have.
I am almost 40 (it's a mere 4 years away, the blink of an eye), and I don't want to look back on my life through angry, bitter eyes when I am 60. I want to look back and know that I was loved beyond measure. Not just loved by my children, but also the father of my children.
I read somewhere that the best gift a father can give to his children is to love their mother with all of his heart. I think of that quote often, and realize that my children have not seen their father love me with all of his heart. They have watched him choose racing, hunting, shooting, fishing, friends, his dad, so many other things first. They have waved good bye to him as he leaves on yet another vacation spent with friends or his dad and brother. They laugh at the stories he shares about his vacation, but share no memories with him. It makes me sad for them. It makes me sad for me. It used to make me sad for him, but the scary thing is that I don't feel sad for him anymore.
Things have to change. This is the turning point. I'm not saying I want him to live in my back pocket and sneeze when I tell him to. I just want some semblance of a family. You know, families that go on picnics, or out to dinner, or on family vacations. A real honest to goodness family. I don't know if he is willing to invest himself in that. And, how I am feeling right now, I don't know if I really want him to.
It's a tough position I am in. I don't want my children to be children of divorce. But, I also don't want them to think that what has been our life is OK. I want them to see (when they're adults of course) the sacrifices emotionally, financially, etc that parents make for their children. I want them to experience having a dad. Not just a man who comes home and sits in his chair, or comes home to pack up for his next great adventure without them. They and I deserve so much more.
Ugh. This post is kind of depressing, but, honestly, it really bares part of my soul. So, Friends, go easy on me.
I got a new job. Full time. I love it. I'm still at the school with my kids, just not doing the Instructional Aide thing or the Yard Duty (yippee! I can't say I miss the outdoor elements or the drama...although I do miss the kids...). I am now in the office, doing accounts receivable, lunch program, learning accounts payable and apparently going to be learning the ordering process soon. I love being inside, I like getting to dress like a girl, and I like the challenge and learning new things. I feel so lucky and blessed that I was granted this opportunity.
October 10 was my 15th wedding anniversary...Before anyone gets all gushy wondering what romantic weekend getaway we went on...My husband is in Idaho and has been since October 7. He left in the wee hours of the morning 6 days ago to hunt for our 15th wedding anniversary.
I have never been, nor ever will be interested in roughing it camping or in hunting, anything. I am a girl. I like to use flush toilets. I don't particularly like the mountains, I'm more of a coastal kind of California girl. I don't mind that he has interests outside of me. I rather like it. I don't want to have to say excuse me when I turn around because he is attached to my hip. I like having a bit of independence...
The thing that has been instigating my mid-life crisis, is that I realized that my life is much easier when I don't have him around. He has told me for the whole 15 years that we've been married that he wants me to be OK with him going and doing the things he likes and he doesn't want me to make him feel guilty for leaving us behind. I have gotten there. In the last 7 years or so, I have gotten to the point where I really don't care if he is here or if he isn't. I have been happy when he has chosen us, and fine with him choosing his interests. It seemed like a nice place to be emotionally, I wasn't feeling all left behind and put off. I just kind of let him live his life his way and he could be involved with the kids and me if he chose.
A month ago I realized that I prefer him being gone. It is much easier for me to take care of business without him to take my time. I have a lot to do, and I have done it all on my own for the last 15 years. I have had little to no help raising the kids. I don't want to start a "Let's hate Erich" club and whine about all of the ways he is a butthead. I just realized that I have settled for less than I deserve. I deserve to be higher on someone's priority list than a close 3rd to shooting. I deserve to be #1 and I deserve to have the person I am with understand that my birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas and our wedding anniversary are important not to be forgotten or taken lightly dates. I deserve to be with a man who is not worried about how things look, as long as he's happy with me and with our children. Looks are deceiving.
He learned the art of game playing with some masters. His parents are all about how things look. As long as it looks pretty on the outside with a nice little bow then that means everything inside is beautiful, right? I have become disenchanted with that way of thinking. I choose not to play that game anymore. I don't have to make everything look great on the outside, I can be a real person and let people into my real world.
I am reconsidering my life...I'm not considering abandoning my children, husband and life and running off to the big city to pursue my acting dream (I really don't have one), I am just realizing that marrying young, insecure as I was, forced me to settle for way less than I ever should have.
I am almost 40 (it's a mere 4 years away, the blink of an eye), and I don't want to look back on my life through angry, bitter eyes when I am 60. I want to look back and know that I was loved beyond measure. Not just loved by my children, but also the father of my children.
I read somewhere that the best gift a father can give to his children is to love their mother with all of his heart. I think of that quote often, and realize that my children have not seen their father love me with all of his heart. They have watched him choose racing, hunting, shooting, fishing, friends, his dad, so many other things first. They have waved good bye to him as he leaves on yet another vacation spent with friends or his dad and brother. They laugh at the stories he shares about his vacation, but share no memories with him. It makes me sad for them. It makes me sad for me. It used to make me sad for him, but the scary thing is that I don't feel sad for him anymore.
Things have to change. This is the turning point. I'm not saying I want him to live in my back pocket and sneeze when I tell him to. I just want some semblance of a family. You know, families that go on picnics, or out to dinner, or on family vacations. A real honest to goodness family. I don't know if he is willing to invest himself in that. And, how I am feeling right now, I don't know if I really want him to.
It's a tough position I am in. I don't want my children to be children of divorce. But, I also don't want them to think that what has been our life is OK. I want them to see (when they're adults of course) the sacrifices emotionally, financially, etc that parents make for their children. I want them to experience having a dad. Not just a man who comes home and sits in his chair, or comes home to pack up for his next great adventure without them. They and I deserve so much more.
Ugh. This post is kind of depressing, but, honestly, it really bares part of my soul. So, Friends, go easy on me.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Pour some sugar on me!
OH MY GOSH! I got to go to a Def Leppard concert!!!! It was so much fun! A friend won tickets and had extras and gave them to me and another friend so we could go! We had so much fun! Not only did we see Def Leppard, but we saw Foreigner and Styx too! OH MY GOSH! I think I screamed that so many times Friday night. What a blast.
I sang every Foreigner song, didn't know too many Styx songs, and scream/sang every Def Leppard song. I just can't say it enough times, it was so fun.
Then, the weekend (is there a such thing?) began. My 7 year old had a soccer game and pictures at 10 am. Then, my daughter wanted to go to the mall. Then, I had to take her to dance class, and then meet her downtown as she was dancing with the Pub Scouts. Then, off to the bowling alley, I had promised my 7 year old we'd bowl...he really enjoys it!
Then Sunday, was cleaning the house and trying to make a dent in the laundry.
Did I mention that I think I began having a mid life crisis (at 36...oh I mean 29?). I think I'll save that for another post, when I've thought through the many things floating around in my head.
Suffice it to say, the highlight of my weekend was the concert. I wish I could go again this weekend. No, I think that my friend and I will go Xtreme bowling...I'll let you know.
I sang every Foreigner song, didn't know too many Styx songs, and scream/sang every Def Leppard song. I just can't say it enough times, it was so fun.
Then, the weekend (is there a such thing?) began. My 7 year old had a soccer game and pictures at 10 am. Then, my daughter wanted to go to the mall. Then, I had to take her to dance class, and then meet her downtown as she was dancing with the Pub Scouts. Then, off to the bowling alley, I had promised my 7 year old we'd bowl...he really enjoys it!
Then Sunday, was cleaning the house and trying to make a dent in the laundry.
Did I mention that I think I began having a mid life crisis (at 36...oh I mean 29?). I think I'll save that for another post, when I've thought through the many things floating around in my head.
Suffice it to say, the highlight of my weekend was the concert. I wish I could go again this weekend. No, I think that my friend and I will go Xtreme bowling...I'll let you know.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Oh! What a Beautiful Day!
Wednesday, the 5th, was my birthday. I am 29 (for the 7th time!). I had the most amazing day.
I woke up at 5:30 as I do every morning, and shuffled to the computer to check my email, and catch up on any overnight news. Really, it's how I give myself an extra 10 to 15 minutes to wake up. Hanging on my computer was a sign, it said, "Good Morning, Sunshine! Are you ready to go hunting?" Then I turned it over and it directed me to the refrigerator. I opened the refrigerator, and there is another card with instructions to look in the pantry. I looked there and found the instructions leading me to the oven. There I found a beautiful card that my daughter made for me. She is a budding photographer, and had taken a picture of a telephone shaped bronze music box that we inherited from my husband's grandmother. I can't describe the beauty of the picture. Inside was the gift of a pedicure given by my daughter. I cried. Happy, touched tears.
My boys woke up and told me happy birthday. My One Tru Love FORGOT. We went to school, I dropped the boys off and decided to treat myself to a decaf frappucinno and a cinnamon roll. I got back to school, my son C's class was lined up outside of his classroom, I didn't pay much attention, and as I walked past them, they broke out in song. Happy Birthday...of course. It really made me smile. As I made my way to the office, every student and staff member wished me a happy birthday. I figured my boys had been busy. NO. The principal announced at flag salute to give me a hug and wish me happy birthday.
I got pretty much 430 hugs. I loved it. It was great. My good friend Trish brought me a decaf iced mocha (it was so delightful). A 6th grader organized the K-2nd graders lunch to sing to me. The middle schoolers sang to me. It was so moving. I really felt loved and happy all day.
My One Tru Love was reminded that it was my birthday, and he made a rush purchase at a day spa for a massage for me. Which I am completely excited about. All in all it really was such a wonderful day.
My "adopted son" (my son T's best friend who calls me mom) got me a cute little teddy bear holding a heart saying Love is Mom and the sweetest card. I was truly spoiled like I've never been spoiled before.
As a mom, T.A. and yard duty supervisor (I know, such a fancy title), it's easy to feel unappreciated and unnoticed. September 5th really showed me that I am appreciated, loved and that I have touched the lives of the kids I work with everyday.
I have to say that I woke up that morning, feeling pretty low. Just one of those mornings, I drug myself out of bed, tired, and just not anticipating a day of work, and I was rejuvenated over and over. Truly, what a beautiful day!
I woke up at 5:30 as I do every morning, and shuffled to the computer to check my email, and catch up on any overnight news. Really, it's how I give myself an extra 10 to 15 minutes to wake up. Hanging on my computer was a sign, it said, "Good Morning, Sunshine! Are you ready to go hunting?" Then I turned it over and it directed me to the refrigerator. I opened the refrigerator, and there is another card with instructions to look in the pantry. I looked there and found the instructions leading me to the oven. There I found a beautiful card that my daughter made for me. She is a budding photographer, and had taken a picture of a telephone shaped bronze music box that we inherited from my husband's grandmother. I can't describe the beauty of the picture. Inside was the gift of a pedicure given by my daughter. I cried. Happy, touched tears.
My boys woke up and told me happy birthday. My One Tru Love FORGOT. We went to school, I dropped the boys off and decided to treat myself to a decaf frappucinno and a cinnamon roll. I got back to school, my son C's class was lined up outside of his classroom, I didn't pay much attention, and as I walked past them, they broke out in song. Happy Birthday...of course. It really made me smile. As I made my way to the office, every student and staff member wished me a happy birthday. I figured my boys had been busy. NO. The principal announced at flag salute to give me a hug and wish me happy birthday.
I got pretty much 430 hugs. I loved it. It was great. My good friend Trish brought me a decaf iced mocha (it was so delightful). A 6th grader organized the K-2nd graders lunch to sing to me. The middle schoolers sang to me. It was so moving. I really felt loved and happy all day.
My One Tru Love was reminded that it was my birthday, and he made a rush purchase at a day spa for a massage for me. Which I am completely excited about. All in all it really was such a wonderful day.
My "adopted son" (my son T's best friend who calls me mom) got me a cute little teddy bear holding a heart saying Love is Mom and the sweetest card. I was truly spoiled like I've never been spoiled before.
As a mom, T.A. and yard duty supervisor (I know, such a fancy title), it's easy to feel unappreciated and unnoticed. September 5th really showed me that I am appreciated, loved and that I have touched the lives of the kids I work with everyday.
I have to say that I woke up that morning, feeling pretty low. Just one of those mornings, I drug myself out of bed, tired, and just not anticipating a day of work, and I was rejuvenated over and over. Truly, what a beautiful day!
Friday, August 31, 2007
Did I Mention...
that it is hellishly hot and miserable here! I am so irritable and cranky and sick of the heat that I can't even find words.
The second week of school went off OK. I guess. My daughter (her third week) ended up coming home sick today. She was running a low grade temp this morning, tried to convince her to stay home, but no...so she called me at lunch and was ready to come home. She has been in bed...literally, since she got home. I have taken her water and checked on her, but mostly she has been laying in bed feeling miserable. That's what we get for living in the middle of the Almond capitol of the world! We have almond orchards surrounding our house, so the clouds of dust (it's harvest time) are crazy. So, she developed a bit of a sinus infection, I believe. Then, there's C who got dehydrated and was trying to get a UTI. Love the little cuties. They stress me to the moon, though.
I have been asked to teach a crochet class to the junior high students at our school. Which I readily agreed to, but, I didn't know I would have to speak at a rally in front of ALL of the middle schoolers. AAAAGH! The only thing I hate more than climbing really high poles and jumping off, is talking in front of pretty much any group bigger than 10 to 15 people (preferrably sitting at a table with coffee or an adult beverage). It pretty much bit the big one. But, I survived and I know at least one person will sign up for my class (thank you, Hannah).
At the moment I am sweltering and wishing for spring or fall or any weather than doesn't involve triple digit temperatures. I took the kids to La Comida for dinner, gotta love any place you can feed 3 teenagers, a 7 year old and an adult for $25. We have made it a weekly institution, I just don't always feel like cooking, go figure, it's only like 185 million degrees outside, with like an absurd amount of humidity going on, and we have a swamp cooler, so...I'm whining. Did I mention that I'm irritable and cranky too? To add insult to injury, I will be 36 soon, ugh. On that note...did I mention that I'm irritable and cranky?
The second week of school went off OK. I guess. My daughter (her third week) ended up coming home sick today. She was running a low grade temp this morning, tried to convince her to stay home, but no...so she called me at lunch and was ready to come home. She has been in bed...literally, since she got home. I have taken her water and checked on her, but mostly she has been laying in bed feeling miserable. That's what we get for living in the middle of the Almond capitol of the world! We have almond orchards surrounding our house, so the clouds of dust (it's harvest time) are crazy. So, she developed a bit of a sinus infection, I believe. Then, there's C who got dehydrated and was trying to get a UTI. Love the little cuties. They stress me to the moon, though.
I have been asked to teach a crochet class to the junior high students at our school. Which I readily agreed to, but, I didn't know I would have to speak at a rally in front of ALL of the middle schoolers. AAAAGH! The only thing I hate more than climbing really high poles and jumping off, is talking in front of pretty much any group bigger than 10 to 15 people (preferrably sitting at a table with coffee or an adult beverage). It pretty much bit the big one. But, I survived and I know at least one person will sign up for my class (thank you, Hannah).
At the moment I am sweltering and wishing for spring or fall or any weather than doesn't involve triple digit temperatures. I took the kids to La Comida for dinner, gotta love any place you can feed 3 teenagers, a 7 year old and an adult for $25. We have made it a weekly institution, I just don't always feel like cooking, go figure, it's only like 185 million degrees outside, with like an absurd amount of humidity going on, and we have a swamp cooler, so...I'm whining. Did I mention that I'm irritable and cranky too? To add insult to injury, I will be 36 soon, ugh. On that note...did I mention that I'm irritable and cranky?
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Random
I took my boys up to the ropes course that I accomplished. I was hoping to impress them with the bravery I exhibited. My 10 year old was completely unimpressed. He thought it would be fun and that it wasn't that high. Humph. My 7 year old was just ready to leave because there were "too many sticks", and the 13 year old just had to go to the bathroom. That is my life.
I am totally excited about showing the kids something, and my daughter totally blows me off, she needed to wash her hair or something, and the boys just don't follow through with my dreamy expectations. Such is life. They were much more impressed with the Oreo McFlurrys and the stop at a park. All in all, I did have a nice day with my boys.
I went on a date with my two other boys, I know scandalous, to the races. I love to spend time with them, especially now when they aren't completely embarrassed to be seen with me. They really take care of me.
My daughter wants to take me to A Taste of Chico for my birthday. I think it's sweet, but I am wondering what friends are going to be tagging along. I suggested the Chico State Rock Climbing wall. I think I'm addicted to that darn harness thing from the ropes course.
Actually, I am so amazed at what I was able to push myself to do, even now two and a half weeks later. I can't say I enjoyed the fear. Our music teacher at school says, "Which one is my left?" just about every time he sees me. I must explain...when I was climbing on the dinner plate on top of a telephone pole, the instructor guy told me to lift my left foot. I was so incredibly freaked out that I couldn't remember my left from my right. So I yelled out, "Which one is my left?" I know, I kind of made myself sound brave in my last post, that must have been the adrenaline...really I was terrified and couldn't remember which was my right or left. I also said bad words a few times, shh.
I must say that not only do I feel stronger from this experience, but I feel closer to my fellow coworkers who attempted the stunts and cheered us on. I think I'm going to have to stop talking about it though.
Well, the boys have homework and I must resume my mommy duties.
I am totally excited about showing the kids something, and my daughter totally blows me off, she needed to wash her hair or something, and the boys just don't follow through with my dreamy expectations. Such is life. They were much more impressed with the Oreo McFlurrys and the stop at a park. All in all, I did have a nice day with my boys.
I went on a date with my two other boys, I know scandalous, to the races. I love to spend time with them, especially now when they aren't completely embarrassed to be seen with me. They really take care of me.
My daughter wants to take me to A Taste of Chico for my birthday. I think it's sweet, but I am wondering what friends are going to be tagging along. I suggested the Chico State Rock Climbing wall. I think I'm addicted to that darn harness thing from the ropes course.
Actually, I am so amazed at what I was able to push myself to do, even now two and a half weeks later. I can't say I enjoyed the fear. Our music teacher at school says, "Which one is my left?" just about every time he sees me. I must explain...when I was climbing on the dinner plate on top of a telephone pole, the instructor guy told me to lift my left foot. I was so incredibly freaked out that I couldn't remember my left from my right. So I yelled out, "Which one is my left?" I know, I kind of made myself sound brave in my last post, that must have been the adrenaline...really I was terrified and couldn't remember which was my right or left. I also said bad words a few times, shh.
I must say that not only do I feel stronger from this experience, but I feel closer to my fellow coworkers who attempted the stunts and cheered us on. I think I'm going to have to stop talking about it though.
Well, the boys have homework and I must resume my mommy duties.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
I am amazing!
I can't believe, still, that I did it!
Today, I attended a ropes course with my co workers. I work for a school, and our principal signed us up for a ropes course for team building. I was way less than thrilled at the prospect of climbing ladders and falling and all that stuff. I went with much trepidation.
I DID IT!!!!! Me, the person who has to constantly overcome fear. The one that always worries more than anyone else about the impossible possibilities. I climbed a tree with another person, stood on a cable leaning forward with my hands on his shoulders and his hands on mine, and we took a step. It was the most horrifying thing I have ever done in my life. I did it though. Then we were billeted down.
The second "station" was we had to climb a pole and stand on a dinner plate sized disc at the top of the pole. I had to turn around, then JUMP off reaching for a trapeze. I DID IT!!!! It was more frightening than anything I could imagine, (up until today and the group jump thing we did).
I truly conquered my fears. I didn't wimp out and not do it, because I was afraid. I cowboyed up, so to speak, and I did it! I still can't believe that I stood on top of a telephone pole with nothing underneath me, my life in my four co workers hands as they billeted me down. I can't even put into words the feelings that are still here, two and a half hours later. I think I need to see the pictures to believe that I really did it. It just feels so surreal. I was able to overcome fear. I won. The fear did not win. I did!
I am AMAZING!
Today, I attended a ropes course with my co workers. I work for a school, and our principal signed us up for a ropes course for team building. I was way less than thrilled at the prospect of climbing ladders and falling and all that stuff. I went with much trepidation.
I DID IT!!!!! Me, the person who has to constantly overcome fear. The one that always worries more than anyone else about the impossible possibilities. I climbed a tree with another person, stood on a cable leaning forward with my hands on his shoulders and his hands on mine, and we took a step. It was the most horrifying thing I have ever done in my life. I did it though. Then we were billeted down.
The second "station" was we had to climb a pole and stand on a dinner plate sized disc at the top of the pole. I had to turn around, then JUMP off reaching for a trapeze. I DID IT!!!! It was more frightening than anything I could imagine, (up until today and the group jump thing we did).
I truly conquered my fears. I didn't wimp out and not do it, because I was afraid. I cowboyed up, so to speak, and I did it! I still can't believe that I stood on top of a telephone pole with nothing underneath me, my life in my four co workers hands as they billeted me down. I can't even put into words the feelings that are still here, two and a half hours later. I think I need to see the pictures to believe that I really did it. It just feels so surreal. I was able to overcome fear. I won. The fear did not win. I did!
I am AMAZING!
Sunday, August 5, 2007
He's 13
Thirteen years ago right now I was looking down into the very red face of my newborn son. I can't believe that thirteen years have passed. I can't believe that he is on the cusp of manhood. I can't believe that it's only been 13 years...
August 4, 1994, I was five days past my due date, and I had an adorable little 19 month old girl. I woke up on the fourth with a ton of things to get done. I needed to clean house and go grocery shopping, I needed to get the laundry done. So much to do.
That evening, as I sat trying to work out in my mind all that I needed to get done I went into a sort of panic. I realized that if I went into labor in the middle of the night, I needed someone to call to come watch my 19 month old baby. My One Tru Love was less than helpful. He got mad at me for panicking and left me. I was having regular yet very far apart contractions, and my instinct was telling me that our baby was coming. In his defense, he was 23 and getting ready to become the father of two.
I couldn't sleep that night in our bed. So, I slept on the couch. I woke up at 3:45 with cramps that wouldn't go away. I timed my cramps, and they were like 3 minutes apart. This was my first labor as my daughter had been delivered by planned C section. I woke up My One Tru Love, and he asked me how far apart my contractions were, I didn't want to freak him out, so I lied. I told him they were about 5 minutes apart. He told me to call his mom, then asked me to make him some coffee, because he wanted to take a shower. I did exactly as I was told, I even brought him two cups of coffee in the shower before his mom got to our house. By this time, I knew that the baby was coming and coming today.
We drove to the hospital, and he thought it would be fun to run all of the red lights on the Esplanade. We got to the hospital and my contractions weren't easing up and were getting closer and closer and closer. I couldn't walk to the Maternity ward, they were too close together.
We got set up in the room and as I laid on the bed I felt an audible pop. My water broke! We had arrived at the hospital at about 4:45 am. I was in hard labor from when my water broke until the wee boy was born at 9:20 am.
At 9 am I felt the urge to push. I was told to wait, then my baby began to decel. His heart rate was going way too low for way too long. My doctor ran in, he started talking really fast and using words like "Stat" which I knew were four letter words. I was scared. My One Tru Love was scared. I had on an oxygen mask and was rolled to my right side, then my left side, then back to my right side, all the while being prodded and poked and told not to push. I was terrified. They finally let me push, and things got worse, he called for the vaccuum extractor, I don't remember or have blocked out all the trauma to my nether regions at this point. All I remember is that my little baby's body was pulled from my body, blue. No reaction to light, no crying, the doctor turned and passed him off to the nurse, and My One Tru Love was pushed behind the bed and not allowed near our new son. Tubes were stuck down his throat and they suctioned stuff out (there was meconium in the water). I started to bleed. They took out the baby and My One Tru Love followed. They kept telling me that I had a beautiful son, and that he was doing much better now, (his first APGAR was 1, second one was 5). I had completely disassociated myself from all that was happening. I got a shot of something to stop the bleeding, the placenta wouldn't detach, and I hadn't seen my baby yet.
Finally, they laid my perfect little boy in my arms. He had all the parts he needed, 10 fingers, 10 toes, a perfect 7 lb, 11 oz, baby boy. He had a really bad bruise on his head from the extraction, but, other than that, he was doing great. He latched on and nursed like a champ. He was amazing.
Thirteen years ago right this moment (8:30pm) my husband's grandma called me to tell me congratulations, her remark when I answered the phone, "I knew E would be too tired from all of the excitement of the new baby so I didn't want to disturb him, so I called you." She was so funny. I was the one who worked so hard to have the baby, but poor E might be tired. Hmm.
T today is a healthy, vibrant, loving boy, who I really can't believe I ever held in my arms and nursed at my breast.
August 4, 1994, I was five days past my due date, and I had an adorable little 19 month old girl. I woke up on the fourth with a ton of things to get done. I needed to clean house and go grocery shopping, I needed to get the laundry done. So much to do.
That evening, as I sat trying to work out in my mind all that I needed to get done I went into a sort of panic. I realized that if I went into labor in the middle of the night, I needed someone to call to come watch my 19 month old baby. My One Tru Love was less than helpful. He got mad at me for panicking and left me. I was having regular yet very far apart contractions, and my instinct was telling me that our baby was coming. In his defense, he was 23 and getting ready to become the father of two.
I couldn't sleep that night in our bed. So, I slept on the couch. I woke up at 3:45 with cramps that wouldn't go away. I timed my cramps, and they were like 3 minutes apart. This was my first labor as my daughter had been delivered by planned C section. I woke up My One Tru Love, and he asked me how far apart my contractions were, I didn't want to freak him out, so I lied. I told him they were about 5 minutes apart. He told me to call his mom, then asked me to make him some coffee, because he wanted to take a shower. I did exactly as I was told, I even brought him two cups of coffee in the shower before his mom got to our house. By this time, I knew that the baby was coming and coming today.
We drove to the hospital, and he thought it would be fun to run all of the red lights on the Esplanade. We got to the hospital and my contractions weren't easing up and were getting closer and closer and closer. I couldn't walk to the Maternity ward, they were too close together.
We got set up in the room and as I laid on the bed I felt an audible pop. My water broke! We had arrived at the hospital at about 4:45 am. I was in hard labor from when my water broke until the wee boy was born at 9:20 am.
At 9 am I felt the urge to push. I was told to wait, then my baby began to decel. His heart rate was going way too low for way too long. My doctor ran in, he started talking really fast and using words like "Stat" which I knew were four letter words. I was scared. My One Tru Love was scared. I had on an oxygen mask and was rolled to my right side, then my left side, then back to my right side, all the while being prodded and poked and told not to push. I was terrified. They finally let me push, and things got worse, he called for the vaccuum extractor, I don't remember or have blocked out all the trauma to my nether regions at this point. All I remember is that my little baby's body was pulled from my body, blue. No reaction to light, no crying, the doctor turned and passed him off to the nurse, and My One Tru Love was pushed behind the bed and not allowed near our new son. Tubes were stuck down his throat and they suctioned stuff out (there was meconium in the water). I started to bleed. They took out the baby and My One Tru Love followed. They kept telling me that I had a beautiful son, and that he was doing much better now, (his first APGAR was 1, second one was 5). I had completely disassociated myself from all that was happening. I got a shot of something to stop the bleeding, the placenta wouldn't detach, and I hadn't seen my baby yet.
Finally, they laid my perfect little boy in my arms. He had all the parts he needed, 10 fingers, 10 toes, a perfect 7 lb, 11 oz, baby boy. He had a really bad bruise on his head from the extraction, but, other than that, he was doing great. He latched on and nursed like a champ. He was amazing.
Thirteen years ago right this moment (8:30pm) my husband's grandma called me to tell me congratulations, her remark when I answered the phone, "I knew E would be too tired from all of the excitement of the new baby so I didn't want to disturb him, so I called you." She was so funny. I was the one who worked so hard to have the baby, but poor E might be tired. Hmm.
T today is a healthy, vibrant, loving boy, who I really can't believe I ever held in my arms and nursed at my breast.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Reality Check
Over the last week or so, I have become a bit lazy. Lazy about spending time with the kids...just stick a movie on and tell them to leave me alone...Wednesday on Cafe Mom in one of the groups I'm in I read a post from the mom of a 17 year old boy. He is a "punk" and according to her can have mouth on him...He had been shot twice and beaten with baseball bats and the butts of the guns used to shoot him. His friend was killed in the attack. He came out with a through and through bullet wound to the chest and a bullet fragment in his lung. A broken femur, elbow, jaw, ribs and skull. He has already endured two surgeries and is looking forward to more. Wow.
Then, today as I was browsing blogs, I came across one, a mom who lost her daughter earlier this week, to drowning. My heart breaks. Then, this morning at church the pastor talked of a friend who had recently lost a 10 year old son to cancer.
Oh, how I take for granted my children. I forget constantly how important they are to me. When life starts to just take over and the frustrations and idiosycracies of each of them surface, you forget. At least I do. I don't want to forget. Life is so precious. So fragile. It's just so easy to forget.
I look at my children, and I am filled with such a powerful feeling of wanting to protect and hold them forever. They just keep getting older and bigger and more independent. I know that is what's supposed to happen, but sometimes I just want to freeze the moment. Freeze the day. Let me remember always the moment and never forget.
My heart breaks for the mothers who have lost their children. It is so wrong for a parent to ever have to bury a child. And this week has reminded me to grasp those moments. To freeze those days in my heart. I can sleep anytime, when my almost 13 year old wants to talk to me it is that moment that is of vital importance. The day will come all too soon when R won't want me to kiss her goodnight, T won't want to be tucked in, C won't fit on my lap, M won't want to hang with me and tell me his crazy imagination stories. I'll be left with memories of my babies. I am choosing to savor those moments. Life is just too short. Especially the moments with my children.
Sentimental me. I'm closing now, I am going to seize the moment that my boys want me to swim with them. I'll let my mascara run, and not care. I'll get my hair wet and not worry about how the chlorine is drying it out. I'll wear my swimsuit and not nitpick about the stretch marks on my thighs or the cellulite. Because, really my boys don't care about that. They care that their mom is swimming with them. Tonight, I will hug their tired little bodies to mine and kiss them each a few extra times as I tuck them into bed. Because, those are the moments...
Then, today as I was browsing blogs, I came across one, a mom who lost her daughter earlier this week, to drowning. My heart breaks. Then, this morning at church the pastor talked of a friend who had recently lost a 10 year old son to cancer.
Oh, how I take for granted my children. I forget constantly how important they are to me. When life starts to just take over and the frustrations and idiosycracies of each of them surface, you forget. At least I do. I don't want to forget. Life is so precious. So fragile. It's just so easy to forget.
I look at my children, and I am filled with such a powerful feeling of wanting to protect and hold them forever. They just keep getting older and bigger and more independent. I know that is what's supposed to happen, but sometimes I just want to freeze the moment. Freeze the day. Let me remember always the moment and never forget.
My heart breaks for the mothers who have lost their children. It is so wrong for a parent to ever have to bury a child. And this week has reminded me to grasp those moments. To freeze those days in my heart. I can sleep anytime, when my almost 13 year old wants to talk to me it is that moment that is of vital importance. The day will come all too soon when R won't want me to kiss her goodnight, T won't want to be tucked in, C won't fit on my lap, M won't want to hang with me and tell me his crazy imagination stories. I'll be left with memories of my babies. I am choosing to savor those moments. Life is just too short. Especially the moments with my children.
Sentimental me. I'm closing now, I am going to seize the moment that my boys want me to swim with them. I'll let my mascara run, and not care. I'll get my hair wet and not worry about how the chlorine is drying it out. I'll wear my swimsuit and not nitpick about the stretch marks on my thighs or the cellulite. Because, really my boys don't care about that. They care that their mom is swimming with them. Tonight, I will hug their tired little bodies to mine and kiss them each a few extra times as I tuck them into bed. Because, those are the moments...
Sunday, July 15, 2007
The Story of Our Lives...
OK. Let me tell you that nothing ever goes as we plan. We planned a lovely family camping trip and were excited beyond measure (My One Tru Love and I anyway) about it. Wednesday I had to host Bunco, so I spent the day cooking and getting ready for that...buying alcohol, you know the basics. I didn't get home until after 11 pm. We decided to sleep in on Thursday and do the shopping first thing when we woke up. No rush...just enjoy the day.
We woke up Thursday morning at around 8. We took our showers and headed out to the store. I decided to take the cell phone I've been using (R's) and leave his at home to charge. We spent a nice time shopping at Walmart, Costco, and Winco. We even went out to coffee...just the two of us. It was nice. Well, I didn't realize that R's cell phone had died while we were shopping. We got home to cries of "Why wouldn't you answer your cell phone?! I think C broke his arm!! Dan called and your tool box is munched!" WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? First, checked C's arm, that was OK. Don't really know what the problem originally was, but the arm was not broken, bruised, bleeding or otherwise needing attention. My One Tru Love called Dan to find out the scoop on his tool box. Sidenote: My One Tru Love is a mechanic. His tools make the money we live on. Therefore his tool box is very important to us. Dan informed him that the dealership was broken into and all of the mechanics toolboxes were broken into and tools were stolen! Not good news before we leave on vacation. My One Tru Love went from 0 to pissed off in nothing flat. He told me to run the last few errands, jumped in the car and tore off towards work (20 minutes away) to investigate the damage. He called me after he got there and told me that he had lost about $5,000 worth of tools, and that his toolbox is destroyed...at least the top 5 drawers. He was going to talk to the service manager to figure out what was happening then he'd be home, but it would take about 2 hours to try to inventory the stolen tools. I packed as best I could, worried beyond belief about this new situation.
We finally got out of town at around 4 pm. We arrived at the campground at around 6 pm, to find out that the trip we thought would cost only $79 was going to cost us $135! Yes, $135 to camp for three nights! Crazy! We paid it...hoping for the best. We found our campesite, not what we were expecting, but we made the best. We went looking for the flush toilets...yeah, there were two flush toilets, by the store, 1 mile from our campsite. So we investigated the shower situation, same situation, except there were four showers. Did I mention that there are around 300+ campsites? The rest of the "facilities" were glorified port-a-potties, you know chemical toilets. Worse than pit toilets in my humble opinion. My exuberance by this point had waned to almost non existent. We spent a nice evening by the campfire, and looked forward to taking the boat out on the lake the following day. Which we did, and enjoyed swimming, fishing, and the kids tubed. It was a nice day, and we all got a little sunburned in spite of the sunscreen. We also got neighbors while we were on the lake, they seemed OK. Boy, were we wrong. At around 8 pm C was exhausted, so I took him over to the tent to go to sleep, and he said "What is that horrible smell?" POT!!!!! Yes. Weed. Hash. Mary Jane. Crazy grass. Whatever you want to call it. He ended up going to sleep at around 9:30. Our partying neighbors didn't call it quits until 3 am!!!!! We decided when we were awakened by their children (Yes, pot and kids....) at 7 am that we were going to go on the lake for a few hours, then break camp and check out early. Get the heck out of there. We were exhausted and thoroughly disgusted! We had a nice morning on the lake, and we broke camp and checked out taking the time to let them know why we were leaving early. I was hoping that our complaint would be met with a little action. Indifference. We left without any satisfaction.
When we got home we decided to have a munchy movie night, and just relaxed. That part was really nice.
Today, My One Tru Love and I went to the dealership to finish inventory of his missing tools. Then, we had to look up part numbers and prices for the insurance company. Tomorrow he'll turn it in, and he was just about right on, so far we are at about $4,500 in stolen tools. Ugh.
Like I said, the story of our lives...you should hear the one about our wedding and honeymoon...now that's a story...
We woke up Thursday morning at around 8. We took our showers and headed out to the store. I decided to take the cell phone I've been using (R's) and leave his at home to charge. We spent a nice time shopping at Walmart, Costco, and Winco. We even went out to coffee...just the two of us. It was nice. Well, I didn't realize that R's cell phone had died while we were shopping. We got home to cries of "Why wouldn't you answer your cell phone?! I think C broke his arm!! Dan called and your tool box is munched!" WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? First, checked C's arm, that was OK. Don't really know what the problem originally was, but the arm was not broken, bruised, bleeding or otherwise needing attention. My One Tru Love called Dan to find out the scoop on his tool box. Sidenote: My One Tru Love is a mechanic. His tools make the money we live on. Therefore his tool box is very important to us. Dan informed him that the dealership was broken into and all of the mechanics toolboxes were broken into and tools were stolen! Not good news before we leave on vacation. My One Tru Love went from 0 to pissed off in nothing flat. He told me to run the last few errands, jumped in the car and tore off towards work (20 minutes away) to investigate the damage. He called me after he got there and told me that he had lost about $5,000 worth of tools, and that his toolbox is destroyed...at least the top 5 drawers. He was going to talk to the service manager to figure out what was happening then he'd be home, but it would take about 2 hours to try to inventory the stolen tools. I packed as best I could, worried beyond belief about this new situation.
We finally got out of town at around 4 pm. We arrived at the campground at around 6 pm, to find out that the trip we thought would cost only $79 was going to cost us $135! Yes, $135 to camp for three nights! Crazy! We paid it...hoping for the best. We found our campesite, not what we were expecting, but we made the best. We went looking for the flush toilets...yeah, there were two flush toilets, by the store, 1 mile from our campsite. So we investigated the shower situation, same situation, except there were four showers. Did I mention that there are around 300+ campsites? The rest of the "facilities" were glorified port-a-potties, you know chemical toilets. Worse than pit toilets in my humble opinion. My exuberance by this point had waned to almost non existent. We spent a nice evening by the campfire, and looked forward to taking the boat out on the lake the following day. Which we did, and enjoyed swimming, fishing, and the kids tubed. It was a nice day, and we all got a little sunburned in spite of the sunscreen. We also got neighbors while we were on the lake, they seemed OK. Boy, were we wrong. At around 8 pm C was exhausted, so I took him over to the tent to go to sleep, and he said "What is that horrible smell?" POT!!!!! Yes. Weed. Hash. Mary Jane. Crazy grass. Whatever you want to call it. He ended up going to sleep at around 9:30. Our partying neighbors didn't call it quits until 3 am!!!!! We decided when we were awakened by their children (Yes, pot and kids....) at 7 am that we were going to go on the lake for a few hours, then break camp and check out early. Get the heck out of there. We were exhausted and thoroughly disgusted! We had a nice morning on the lake, and we broke camp and checked out taking the time to let them know why we were leaving early. I was hoping that our complaint would be met with a little action. Indifference. We left without any satisfaction.
When we got home we decided to have a munchy movie night, and just relaxed. That part was really nice.
Today, My One Tru Love and I went to the dealership to finish inventory of his missing tools. Then, we had to look up part numbers and prices for the insurance company. Tomorrow he'll turn it in, and he was just about right on, so far we are at about $4,500 in stolen tools. Ugh.
Like I said, the story of our lives...you should hear the one about our wedding and honeymoon...now that's a story...
Saturday, July 7, 2007
"I HATE family camping..."
This is the note I woke to this morning. From my lovely daughter. We are planning a relaxing four day camping trip at Collins Lake. We are taking the boat and hanging out at the swimming beach, fishing, swimming, being a family of 6. We decided that our additional "adopted" children are not invited to this trip, as it is our FAMILY camping trip. Lovely R wants her best friend to come, and has commenced strategies to try to break us down. At 10 pm she came into our room to essentially ask (for the 3rd time) if A could come with us. We both said no, and she started to tell us how she wasn't going then, and that we were being mean because she would be bored to death. Oh, like I never said that when I was 14. Anyway, she continued to whine and complain, and we sent her out. Then, stupid stupid stupid us, we started to discuss whether we were right in making this a family trip. Because of her darn whining.
I expect that the next few days will be hell because she will beg, plead and whine every chance she gets. Her note said, "I HATE family camping. I would rather go to Weed for Carnivalli or have A come with us." A will be with her grandparents in Weed if she can't come with us. So, I guess she will be in Weed. And R is not going to Carnivalli in Weed, because she will be family camping, which she hates.
As for the family camping trip, I am looking forward to it. I enjoy camping, when there are flush toilets. The campground we are going to is a little pricey, but, I feel like it's worth it. Because of the private lake we will have full access to. We are planning a day on the lake on the boat. The other full day we will spend just lounging around at the beach, and relaxing. The other two days we will be there will be arrival and departure days, those are never relaxing. At any rate, I am looking forward to it, as are the boys and My One Tru Love. I am planning on making a trip to the local used book store to stock up on some books for R and me, and then I will be making a trip to the comic book store for the boys. I really want to just be with the family for a few days. R is so rarely around these days, she's always off at a friend's house, or the mall, or the movies, or Farmer's Market. Or, she has a friend over and is holed up in her room. We have so little time left with the 6 of us all together. I am holding fast to this decision, but, I can see that it will not be without repercussions. Oh, well, I will live, and maybe she actually will have a good time.
I expect that the next few days will be hell because she will beg, plead and whine every chance she gets. Her note said, "I HATE family camping. I would rather go to Weed for Carnivalli or have A come with us." A will be with her grandparents in Weed if she can't come with us. So, I guess she will be in Weed. And R is not going to Carnivalli in Weed, because she will be family camping, which she hates.
As for the family camping trip, I am looking forward to it. I enjoy camping, when there are flush toilets. The campground we are going to is a little pricey, but, I feel like it's worth it. Because of the private lake we will have full access to. We are planning a day on the lake on the boat. The other full day we will spend just lounging around at the beach, and relaxing. The other two days we will be there will be arrival and departure days, those are never relaxing. At any rate, I am looking forward to it, as are the boys and My One Tru Love. I am planning on making a trip to the local used book store to stock up on some books for R and me, and then I will be making a trip to the comic book store for the boys. I really want to just be with the family for a few days. R is so rarely around these days, she's always off at a friend's house, or the mall, or the movies, or Farmer's Market. Or, she has a friend over and is holed up in her room. We have so little time left with the 6 of us all together. I am holding fast to this decision, but, I can see that it will not be without repercussions. Oh, well, I will live, and maybe she actually will have a good time.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Sleepover
My darling daughter finally succeeded in getting me to allow her to have a sleepover with the Fab 5 (the name of her and her 4 best friends). I have resisted and resisted up until now. My One Tru Love and the boys went out of town for the weekend, so she begged, pleaded and cajoled me into letting them all come over for a sleepover.
Fortunately, she is a good girl, so I didn't need to worry too much about sneaking out and boys and such. But, they giggled and talked and made popcorn until about 4 am. I fell asleep and was awakened by the microwave beeping. As I type, they just got up and are enjoying a breakfast of bagels and english muffins. They are absolutely great girls.
Last night we had Alfredo pasta with chicken and salad and bread. They used the green cut crystal goblets to drink their pink lemonade. I put a little effort into this sleepover, since more than likely they will be few and far between. My One Tru Love maxes out at one extra kid in the house. I don't mind the excitement. But, he gets a little crazy. So, I restricted any overnight activity to his away times. I expect him home sometime this afternoon, and I have a feeling that I will still have the Fab 5 here.
I just got sidetracked. The Fab 5 were playing army guys at the table and milk got spilled. Don't ask. These girls are so fun. They are in no hurry to grow up. They are just enjoying being were they are. I am so glad that R found these girls to hang out with.
All in all, my relaxing weeekend ended up not being so relaxing. I ended up beginning my Friday evening by cleanning the bathroom, and then moving on into the kitchen. I had to get the laundry done, and the house spick and span for the Fab 5. I spent the entire day Saturday doing that. I had to run to the store and Blockbuster for last minute food and movies. I didn't get into the shower until about 3 pm. The girls got here at 3:15. Yes, I was still naked, and wet...it was quite an experience. Anyway, then I spent the evening cooking for the girls and then I was banished to my room, they got the living room. Oh, to have a house with a family room. Then, I listened to them most of the night, earplugs at 3:45 and then I woke with my darn internal clock at 7:15. Then I tried to keep M quiet for the morning, so that the girls could sleep. Any way, that is the brief overview of my relaxing weekend.
I think I'll go to the pool today and really relax, after the fabulousness leaves my house.
Fortunately, she is a good girl, so I didn't need to worry too much about sneaking out and boys and such. But, they giggled and talked and made popcorn until about 4 am. I fell asleep and was awakened by the microwave beeping. As I type, they just got up and are enjoying a breakfast of bagels and english muffins. They are absolutely great girls.
Last night we had Alfredo pasta with chicken and salad and bread. They used the green cut crystal goblets to drink their pink lemonade. I put a little effort into this sleepover, since more than likely they will be few and far between. My One Tru Love maxes out at one extra kid in the house. I don't mind the excitement. But, he gets a little crazy. So, I restricted any overnight activity to his away times. I expect him home sometime this afternoon, and I have a feeling that I will still have the Fab 5 here.
I just got sidetracked. The Fab 5 were playing army guys at the table and milk got spilled. Don't ask. These girls are so fun. They are in no hurry to grow up. They are just enjoying being were they are. I am so glad that R found these girls to hang out with.
All in all, my relaxing weeekend ended up not being so relaxing. I ended up beginning my Friday evening by cleanning the bathroom, and then moving on into the kitchen. I had to get the laundry done, and the house spick and span for the Fab 5. I spent the entire day Saturday doing that. I had to run to the store and Blockbuster for last minute food and movies. I didn't get into the shower until about 3 pm. The girls got here at 3:15. Yes, I was still naked, and wet...it was quite an experience. Anyway, then I spent the evening cooking for the girls and then I was banished to my room, they got the living room. Oh, to have a house with a family room. Then, I listened to them most of the night, earplugs at 3:45 and then I woke with my darn internal clock at 7:15. Then I tried to keep M quiet for the morning, so that the girls could sleep. Any way, that is the brief overview of my relaxing weekend.
I think I'll go to the pool today and really relax, after the fabulousness leaves my house.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Tired
I went to my parents house. I spent the night. I slept on a bed that was as hard as a rock. I am tired, my back hurts, and my kids are cranky.
Actually, C just woke up from about a 4 hour nap, because he was so cranky. He is now wide awake and it is nearly 10 pm. T took a two hour nap this afternoon, and he is wide awake. M is going to bed right now and R is at a friend's house. I am tired. Instead of sleeping this afternoon, I got the first season of Grey's Anatomy and I watched it. Now, let me explain...
I never started to watch Grey's Anatomy when it started. I figured that it would get dumb really quick and I didn't want to waste my time. I was a die hard Desperate Housewives fan and then it went nowhere, so I am not anymore. My friend told me that I had to watch Grey's Anatomy and I have resisted until yesterday. I gave in. I caved to peer pressure, and I rented the first season first five episodes of Grey's Anatomy. I watched somewhat hesitantly. I was waiting to find something in it that I found worthless. So, I've watched four of the five episodes. I resolved that I wasn't going to cry. I made it through the first two without a tear. Episode three, I got a lump in my throat, maybe one tear. Episode four. Bawling. Now, I have Episode 5 to go, and I can't get the characters out of my head. I really like all of the characters. I think that the writers have done an amazing job. So, I can't wait to rent the other episodes and seasons to catch me up.
I am having a girls (and M) weekend. My One Tru Love is going camping with the older two boys, and so, R and M and I are going to rent movies and xBox games (for M) and watch movies and swim and eat and relax. I really need a relaxing weekend. I was hoping for relaxation (just a tad) when we went to my parents house. But, that really didn't happen. Why is it that I feel fat and self conscious when I am around my parents? I have to think that one through sometime when I have nothing else to do. Maybe this weekend, while I am floating in the pool I will run that one through my brain, or maybe not.
It is getting rather late, and as I stated previously I am getting tired (I can't believe how many typos I am making just trying to get these last few lines out). Here is what my typing is looking like without fixing it, i thik i will go to bed so that i can gjet up early to wald and jog with my boysl. Translation: I think I will go to bed so that I can get up early to walk and jog with my boys.
Actually, C just woke up from about a 4 hour nap, because he was so cranky. He is now wide awake and it is nearly 10 pm. T took a two hour nap this afternoon, and he is wide awake. M is going to bed right now and R is at a friend's house. I am tired. Instead of sleeping this afternoon, I got the first season of Grey's Anatomy and I watched it. Now, let me explain...
I never started to watch Grey's Anatomy when it started. I figured that it would get dumb really quick and I didn't want to waste my time. I was a die hard Desperate Housewives fan and then it went nowhere, so I am not anymore. My friend told me that I had to watch Grey's Anatomy and I have resisted until yesterday. I gave in. I caved to peer pressure, and I rented the first season first five episodes of Grey's Anatomy. I watched somewhat hesitantly. I was waiting to find something in it that I found worthless. So, I've watched four of the five episodes. I resolved that I wasn't going to cry. I made it through the first two without a tear. Episode three, I got a lump in my throat, maybe one tear. Episode four. Bawling. Now, I have Episode 5 to go, and I can't get the characters out of my head. I really like all of the characters. I think that the writers have done an amazing job. So, I can't wait to rent the other episodes and seasons to catch me up.
I am having a girls (and M) weekend. My One Tru Love is going camping with the older two boys, and so, R and M and I are going to rent movies and xBox games (for M) and watch movies and swim and eat and relax. I really need a relaxing weekend. I was hoping for relaxation (just a tad) when we went to my parents house. But, that really didn't happen. Why is it that I feel fat and self conscious when I am around my parents? I have to think that one through sometime when I have nothing else to do. Maybe this weekend, while I am floating in the pool I will run that one through my brain, or maybe not.
It is getting rather late, and as I stated previously I am getting tired (I can't believe how many typos I am making just trying to get these last few lines out). Here is what my typing is looking like without fixing it, i thik i will go to bed so that i can gjet up early to wald and jog with my boysl. Translation: I think I will go to bed so that I can get up early to walk and jog with my boys.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Shoes make a difference
Well, I did my Wednesday run. I feel really good. I figured out why it was so hard for me on Monday...the story...
I bought some cute $13 "running" shoes at Wal mart (yeah yeah I know, I'm cheap, and what do you expect from Wal mart) anyway...I wore them on Monday, instead of my Adidas (Costco...still a deal) and I couldn't run. My feet and my shins were hurting, and I thought it was because I was so out of shape. Then, yesterday I did my easy day, and walked with T. Again, my feet were killing me as were my shins and I had a blister the size of a quarter on my heel. So...this morning, I woke up trying to give myself permission to not exercise. But, I had promised T and my "adopted" son RV that I would run with them. So, I put on my old trusty Adidas, and went out there. I ran. My feet did not and do not now hurt. My shins don't hurt. I feel great! I ran for the full minute 5 times. Woo hoo! I felt great. So, payday is Friday, and I think that I'm going to head out to Costco and see if they have my good ol' running shoes. They are $30 and I realize that it truly makes a difference.
I am heading up to Redding shortly, to have my dad give the boys haircuts, spend time with my grandma, and spend the night with my parents. We'll be heading back tomorrow late morning early afternoon. I decided we needed to start our spontaneous getaways. My One Tru Love is working on a big side job (around $800!) and isn't home in the evenings, and he is tired and not up to listening to the boys fight and bicker, so I thought I'd give him a night off from the fighting and bickering. He is doing the bulk of the job tonight. Well, I'm off to Redding. Wish me luck!
I bought some cute $13 "running" shoes at Wal mart (yeah yeah I know, I'm cheap, and what do you expect from Wal mart) anyway...I wore them on Monday, instead of my Adidas (Costco...still a deal) and I couldn't run. My feet and my shins were hurting, and I thought it was because I was so out of shape. Then, yesterday I did my easy day, and walked with T. Again, my feet were killing me as were my shins and I had a blister the size of a quarter on my heel. So...this morning, I woke up trying to give myself permission to not exercise. But, I had promised T and my "adopted" son RV that I would run with them. So, I put on my old trusty Adidas, and went out there. I ran. My feet did not and do not now hurt. My shins don't hurt. I feel great! I ran for the full minute 5 times. Woo hoo! I felt great. So, payday is Friday, and I think that I'm going to head out to Costco and see if they have my good ol' running shoes. They are $30 and I realize that it truly makes a difference.
I am heading up to Redding shortly, to have my dad give the boys haircuts, spend time with my grandma, and spend the night with my parents. We'll be heading back tomorrow late morning early afternoon. I decided we needed to start our spontaneous getaways. My One Tru Love is working on a big side job (around $800!) and isn't home in the evenings, and he is tired and not up to listening to the boys fight and bicker, so I thought I'd give him a night off from the fighting and bickering. He is doing the bulk of the job tonight. Well, I'm off to Redding. Wish me luck!
Monday, June 25, 2007
Rambling about nothing
Camping went OK. I can't say it was buckets of fun...but we saw a bear! It was really cool. I hadn't seen a bear in the wild since I was about 8, and in New Mexico. We saw it run across the logging road we were on just a little out of Cherry Hill near Butte Meadows. It was really very beautiful.
I don't have much to say about the camping though. I don't want to start complaining.
Today I started to exercise. I HATE exercising. But, I have been wanting to tone up my muscles just so I don't feel so jiggly, so I decided to start the Couch to 5 K program. I tried to start last week with T, but he had a melt down, so I restarted today. I was supposed to run for 60 seconds and then walk for 90 seconds and do that for 20 minutes! Yeah right. I am so out of shape! I could only run for about 45 seconds, then I'd walk for about 2 minutes then try again. I realized that this is going to be more work than I anticipated, but I feel great. So, tomorrow, I am going to walk, fairly easy walk, for 30 minutes. Then Wednesday start up the run/walk combo.
We are beginning our third week of summer, and I have yet to do anything fun with the kids. Maybe next week or the following week. My One Tru Love has been ever so busy. We went camping for Father's Day, then he was gone this last weekend, and next weekend he is taking T and C and my adopted son R (really a neighbor boy who practically lives here and calls me mom) camping for the weekend. Then the following weekend I believe he has plans...
He also is doing a side job for a friend of a friend, and will be gone most of the week after he gets off of work. I love being with my kids, don't get me wrong, but it would be really nice if I could get a break from the fighting, "I'm bored" and "Mom, what can I do to earn money around the house?"
So, I scrubbed the shower this morning, after my walk/run. Now my arms are sore, from the scrubbing. But, my shower is clean...let me tell you, living with a mechanic and having to clean the shower after him is a CHORE! So, I got that done. I have been trying to keep up on the laundry and the housework since school is out. So far so good. If I can get into a good habit then maybe I can keep this place somewhat orderly once school starts back up.
I don't have much to say about the camping though. I don't want to start complaining.
Today I started to exercise. I HATE exercising. But, I have been wanting to tone up my muscles just so I don't feel so jiggly, so I decided to start the Couch to 5 K program. I tried to start last week with T, but he had a melt down, so I restarted today. I was supposed to run for 60 seconds and then walk for 90 seconds and do that for 20 minutes! Yeah right. I am so out of shape! I could only run for about 45 seconds, then I'd walk for about 2 minutes then try again. I realized that this is going to be more work than I anticipated, but I feel great. So, tomorrow, I am going to walk, fairly easy walk, for 30 minutes. Then Wednesday start up the run/walk combo.
We are beginning our third week of summer, and I have yet to do anything fun with the kids. Maybe next week or the following week. My One Tru Love has been ever so busy. We went camping for Father's Day, then he was gone this last weekend, and next weekend he is taking T and C and my adopted son R (really a neighbor boy who practically lives here and calls me mom) camping for the weekend. Then the following weekend I believe he has plans...
He also is doing a side job for a friend of a friend, and will be gone most of the week after he gets off of work. I love being with my kids, don't get me wrong, but it would be really nice if I could get a break from the fighting, "I'm bored" and "Mom, what can I do to earn money around the house?"
So, I scrubbed the shower this morning, after my walk/run. Now my arms are sore, from the scrubbing. But, my shower is clean...let me tell you, living with a mechanic and having to clean the shower after him is a CHORE! So, I got that done. I have been trying to keep up on the laundry and the housework since school is out. So far so good. If I can get into a good habit then maybe I can keep this place somewhat orderly once school starts back up.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Camping for Father's Day
So, we're camping for Father's Day. How crazy am I? Camping is so much work. I keep telling myself that it'll be fun, once we get there. But, then there is the fact that we're leaving at about 5 pm today only to come home Sunday morning after breakfast...which will be at the crack of dawn...because we're camping.
We are going to have a nice time, I'm sure. But all the planning, packing, shopping and energy that goes into getting ready to go on a two night, one day trip is just ridiculous! My living room is full of tents, sleeping bags, camp boxes, clothes, etc that need to be packed into the truck when My One Tru Love comes home from work.
It has been quite warm here so far this week, so it will be really nice to get up and out of the heat. I think that the high is supposed to be like 90 (which is cool compared to the 102 + we have had this week), and the low like in the 50's. I think that will be nice. The fire hazard is high right now, so I don't know if we'll be able to have a campfire or not.
We are tent camping...with three boys. My daughter is not coming with us. Her best friend in the whole wide world (since Kindergarten) is having her birthday party on Saturday. So we let her stay with A for the weekend. No girl company, and pit toilets! Ugh.
So far this first week of summer vacation has been full of nothing! My oldest son went to an outdoor sports camp, I have to pick him up in a few hours. I know he has been having fun. I let myself off of all work this week. Just the basics, dishes etc. I know that it will wait, and I deserve time off. I will start all of the cleanning and keeping up next week. T and I are starting the Couch to 5K program Monday, and I am actually getting a little excited about exercising. Hopefully, running will be a good outlet for the emotional angst my darling boy is heading into. He's almost 13 and the hormones are raging! So hopefully, the running will help with the anger outbursts. Besides, I need to get into better shape. Maybe I need the outlet for all of the craziness in my life.
We are going to have a nice time, I'm sure. But all the planning, packing, shopping and energy that goes into getting ready to go on a two night, one day trip is just ridiculous! My living room is full of tents, sleeping bags, camp boxes, clothes, etc that need to be packed into the truck when My One Tru Love comes home from work.
It has been quite warm here so far this week, so it will be really nice to get up and out of the heat. I think that the high is supposed to be like 90 (which is cool compared to the 102 + we have had this week), and the low like in the 50's. I think that will be nice. The fire hazard is high right now, so I don't know if we'll be able to have a campfire or not.
We are tent camping...with three boys. My daughter is not coming with us. Her best friend in the whole wide world (since Kindergarten) is having her birthday party on Saturday. So we let her stay with A for the weekend. No girl company, and pit toilets! Ugh.
So far this first week of summer vacation has been full of nothing! My oldest son went to an outdoor sports camp, I have to pick him up in a few hours. I know he has been having fun. I let myself off of all work this week. Just the basics, dishes etc. I know that it will wait, and I deserve time off. I will start all of the cleanning and keeping up next week. T and I are starting the Couch to 5K program Monday, and I am actually getting a little excited about exercising. Hopefully, running will be a good outlet for the emotional angst my darling boy is heading into. He's almost 13 and the hormones are raging! So hopefully, the running will help with the anger outbursts. Besides, I need to get into better shape. Maybe I need the outlet for all of the craziness in my life.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Summer's Here!
OH! MY! GOODNESS! What a crazy last day of school! I had every intention of having a lovely emotional day, and voila! Life stepped in!
Tuesday evening C was running a low grade temp, and wasn't feeling well. I decided to keep him home from school Wednesday since it was water day and I didn't want him to get any sicker. Wednesday evening he started to complain of a bad stomachache, and diarrhea. I was up with him until 11 pm with his lower right abdomen causing him great pain. (Appendicitis?) Thursday morning he woke up at 4 am in pain and not feeling well. Nausea, and zippo appetite. (Appendicitis?) So, after much contemplation, and a curbside consultation with a parent at our school who is a doctor, we decided to take him to the ER.
We waited over an hour and saw much trauma coming in the door. It was a busy day. Finally we got in the actual examination room. They established an IV, because they were assuming appendicitis also and we did blood tests and a urinalysis. Two bags of IV (bolstice) and C was perking up. The pain was considerably less. His electrolytes were a bit high. So perhaps he was a bit dehydrated? At any rate, we were sent home with a diagnosis of diarrhea and perhaps some swollen lymph glands in the abdominal area. Don't want to know how much that cost us...
R had her 8th grade graduation on Friday morning. She was supposed to be there by 8. Yeah. She decided to start to get ready at about 7:25. We got to the school at about 8:10. My One Tru Love was irritated with R the whole morning...ugh. Then, we couldn't find a seat, because I think they put out about 50 chairs for the 300 + graduates families.
The fun part was that I ran into an old friend. Her son had been in R's Kindergarten class. I hadn't seen this friend in quite awhile and asked where her husband was. They're divorced. Open mouth, insert foot. Honestly, they were together at the beginning of 7th grade! Oh well, I think I covered well. But, it was so fun seeing her. Hopefully, she'll call me. Her son and my daughter are in the same program at the high school.
R had a graduation party yesterday. She invited 17 people and 7 showed up. She was a little disappointed. Her boyfriend didn't show up. His parents weren't home so he couldn't come. I found out that I know one of her friend's moms, and she was able to tell me that R's boyfriend is a good kid...not ready for this!
T is leaving for an outdoor sports camp. He will be gone the whole week. I hope he enjoys himself and learns a lot. He will be taking his Hunter's Safety Course while at the camp. He can get his hunting license this year.
The summer is off to a hectic start!
Tuesday evening C was running a low grade temp, and wasn't feeling well. I decided to keep him home from school Wednesday since it was water day and I didn't want him to get any sicker. Wednesday evening he started to complain of a bad stomachache, and diarrhea. I was up with him until 11 pm with his lower right abdomen causing him great pain. (Appendicitis?) Thursday morning he woke up at 4 am in pain and not feeling well. Nausea, and zippo appetite. (Appendicitis?) So, after much contemplation, and a curbside consultation with a parent at our school who is a doctor, we decided to take him to the ER.
We waited over an hour and saw much trauma coming in the door. It was a busy day. Finally we got in the actual examination room. They established an IV, because they were assuming appendicitis also and we did blood tests and a urinalysis. Two bags of IV (bolstice) and C was perking up. The pain was considerably less. His electrolytes were a bit high. So perhaps he was a bit dehydrated? At any rate, we were sent home with a diagnosis of diarrhea and perhaps some swollen lymph glands in the abdominal area. Don't want to know how much that cost us...
R had her 8th grade graduation on Friday morning. She was supposed to be there by 8. Yeah. She decided to start to get ready at about 7:25. We got to the school at about 8:10. My One Tru Love was irritated with R the whole morning...ugh. Then, we couldn't find a seat, because I think they put out about 50 chairs for the 300 + graduates families.
The fun part was that I ran into an old friend. Her son had been in R's Kindergarten class. I hadn't seen this friend in quite awhile and asked where her husband was. They're divorced. Open mouth, insert foot. Honestly, they were together at the beginning of 7th grade! Oh well, I think I covered well. But, it was so fun seeing her. Hopefully, she'll call me. Her son and my daughter are in the same program at the high school.
R had a graduation party yesterday. She invited 17 people and 7 showed up. She was a little disappointed. Her boyfriend didn't show up. His parents weren't home so he couldn't come. I found out that I know one of her friend's moms, and she was able to tell me that R's boyfriend is a good kid...not ready for this!
T is leaving for an outdoor sports camp. He will be gone the whole week. I hope he enjoys himself and learns a lot. He will be taking his Hunter's Safety Course while at the camp. He can get his hunting license this year.
The summer is off to a hectic start!
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
A Little Sentimental
I'm beginning to get a bit sentimental. Tomorrow is the last day of school. My beautiful R will be graduating from the eighth grade. My T is going into the eighth grade, C going into the fifth grade and my baby, M going into the second grade. It seems like those endless baby and toddler years where just too darn short. I look at my friends who have little ones and I miss those years so much. I can't believe that I lived through them. Believe me it was hard having three kids under three, and I did daycare then too! It was craziness. But, I lived through it and would give my left arm to be there for just a few minutes again.
R has a boyfriend, which is another milestone I am thoroughly unprepared for. She is just too young. She's 14 1/2 years old! She needs to still be playing with baby dolls and Barbie dolls. It seems like yesterday when she told me everything, and thought that I could really help solve her problems. Now, I'm lucky if she fills me in on the basic details. I ask alot of questions, but she is the queen of one word answers. She's beautiful, gracious, smart, she is everything that makes me proud. I am just about to cry just thinking that she is almost a woman. She is a young woman and no longer a little girl. She, of course, will always be that little girl with her pacifier in her mouth and carrying around that old silky nightgown of mine, to me. But, she is just amazing and I marvel at her still.
I am relieved that the school year is ending though. It has been an overwhelming year for me. I don't know exactly why, but it has been. Tomorrow, I say good bye for the summer to my colleagues and to my kids. I really love all of the kids at our school. I will miss them.
There is a little guy in my first grade class, who undoubtedly will make me cry tomorrow. He has been hugging me everyday and telling me that he is going to miss me next year. He can be a stinker (what boy can't?) but boy is he a sweetie. I will really miss him if he isn't in the second grade class I work in next year. I keep telling him that I'll see him on the playground next year. But, I know it won't be the same!
Goodness gracious, I am getting that darn lump in my throat already. I can't help it.
I'll never have a first grader again. Boy, that really makes the lump bigger. I just can't believe how fast life flies. I have tried to savor all of the moments. But, honestly, there just aren't enough moments. Okay, here I go...the tears are coming.
I never knew that the love I would feel for these four little hearts would be so deep that it would actually cause me to hurt. I love them, I want them to stay my babies forever. They just keep growing up so fast. I just can't even put it into words, the love, the pride, the intensity I feel for the little lives I've been entrusted.
R has a boyfriend, which is another milestone I am thoroughly unprepared for. She is just too young. She's 14 1/2 years old! She needs to still be playing with baby dolls and Barbie dolls. It seems like yesterday when she told me everything, and thought that I could really help solve her problems. Now, I'm lucky if she fills me in on the basic details. I ask alot of questions, but she is the queen of one word answers. She's beautiful, gracious, smart, she is everything that makes me proud. I am just about to cry just thinking that she is almost a woman. She is a young woman and no longer a little girl. She, of course, will always be that little girl with her pacifier in her mouth and carrying around that old silky nightgown of mine, to me. But, she is just amazing and I marvel at her still.
I am relieved that the school year is ending though. It has been an overwhelming year for me. I don't know exactly why, but it has been. Tomorrow, I say good bye for the summer to my colleagues and to my kids. I really love all of the kids at our school. I will miss them.
There is a little guy in my first grade class, who undoubtedly will make me cry tomorrow. He has been hugging me everyday and telling me that he is going to miss me next year. He can be a stinker (what boy can't?) but boy is he a sweetie. I will really miss him if he isn't in the second grade class I work in next year. I keep telling him that I'll see him on the playground next year. But, I know it won't be the same!
Goodness gracious, I am getting that darn lump in my throat already. I can't help it.
I'll never have a first grader again. Boy, that really makes the lump bigger. I just can't believe how fast life flies. I have tried to savor all of the moments. But, honestly, there just aren't enough moments. Okay, here I go...the tears are coming.
I never knew that the love I would feel for these four little hearts would be so deep that it would actually cause me to hurt. I love them, I want them to stay my babies forever. They just keep growing up so fast. I just can't even put it into words, the love, the pride, the intensity I feel for the little lives I've been entrusted.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Monday, May 14, 2007
Weekend
Another competition for my daughter. On Mother's Day, of all days. R and I left town on Saturday...we were supposed to leave at around 11:30 am. But, we didn't get out of town until about 1 pm. I never leave town when I plan. Anyway. We went to the lovely city of Reno, The Biggest Little City or something like that. I think I don't like Reno. In fact, I know I don't like Reno. It is an ugly little town, and it makes me feel dirty. I don't like it. We walked down Virginia Street and I was nervous the whole time. Let's just suffice it to say, I don't have the desire to live in Reno. R competed in the Sierra Grand Resort. It's a nice casino/hotel. They are rennovating it, so it was kind of hard to get to where we needed to be. But, the area we had to compete in was great. R got a 2nd in her hard jig, which moved her up to Prizewinner. She is now Prizewinner across the board, and still striving for that darn 1st in a hard shoe. Irish dance competitions (feis) are confusing at best.
R and I got home at about 6 pm Mother's Day. I drove home feeling like my head was going to explode out of my ears! I woke up Sunday with the beginning of a sinus infection. Elevation isn't good for clogged ears, in case you didn't know. I was miserable! When we got home I was completely exhausted! My One Tru Love wanted to take us all out to dinner, so I showered, took some Tylenol, and loaded the family up for a Kalico Kitchen dinner. We had a nice dinner. The kids were good. We got home at about 8:20, and the last time I was aware of the time it was 8:36. I had to sleep.
Today continues the countdown to the end of the school year...17 more days!
My One Tru Love leaves for Las Vegas Wednesday, he should be back late Friday night. That is definitely going to make this week go fast!
R and I got home at about 6 pm Mother's Day. I drove home feeling like my head was going to explode out of my ears! I woke up Sunday with the beginning of a sinus infection. Elevation isn't good for clogged ears, in case you didn't know. I was miserable! When we got home I was completely exhausted! My One Tru Love wanted to take us all out to dinner, so I showered, took some Tylenol, and loaded the family up for a Kalico Kitchen dinner. We had a nice dinner. The kids were good. We got home at about 8:20, and the last time I was aware of the time it was 8:36. I had to sleep.
Today continues the countdown to the end of the school year...17 more days!
My One Tru Love leaves for Las Vegas Wednesday, he should be back late Friday night. That is definitely going to make this week go fast!
Monday, May 7, 2007
Busy...Fun
What a busy, fun weekend we had. My baby M is 7 years old, as of Friday, May 4. I can't believe he's that old. I can't believe I am through having babies.
Last week was Teacher/Staff Appreciation at our school. We had such a spoiled week. We got breakfast one morning, and flowers, and goodies, and Jamba Juice, and massages and a wonderful luncheon on Friday. What a nice week. (Which reminds me I need to write a Thank you note or two!). Friday, as previously mentioned, was my youngest child's birthday. He wanted a party, but, with the luncheon and another surprise party to go to that evening, we had to postpone it. Which is fine, because it gives me two more weeks to procrastinate.
Saturday, my daughter was in the local spring parade. Which she didn't want to walk in. She complained and whined and fussed about it the whole time. She looked great out there. And, I got to see two girls from our school who are Native American, dance. I loved it. And they were so excited to dance for me.
Let's see, Cinco de Mayo! We went to a friend's bar to watch a local band perform, and that was fun. My One Tru Love wasn't feeling well, so I took him home early, and then I went back and I had a blast! It was fun, and I didn't get home until 1 am. OH, did I mention I forgot my house key? 1 am and I am opening the window trying to wake up the boys (who were having a sleepover) in the living room. It brought back those high school days memories.
Then, Sunday, Spiderman 3!!!! I loved that movie. It was fun. I took the boys and R.
Now, we're getting ready for the next relaxing (NOT) weekend. R is competing in Reno. We're leaving Saturday late morning for that and won't be back until late Sunday night. I am a little disappointed that I won't be seeing my boys on Mother's Day. I'll be with my daughter and my mom, just not my boys.
But, overall, even with all of the running around, I had a great weekend. I spent it with my kids, and I guess that is what makes it great.
Last week was Teacher/Staff Appreciation at our school. We had such a spoiled week. We got breakfast one morning, and flowers, and goodies, and Jamba Juice, and massages and a wonderful luncheon on Friday. What a nice week. (Which reminds me I need to write a Thank you note or two!). Friday, as previously mentioned, was my youngest child's birthday. He wanted a party, but, with the luncheon and another surprise party to go to that evening, we had to postpone it. Which is fine, because it gives me two more weeks to procrastinate.
Saturday, my daughter was in the local spring parade. Which she didn't want to walk in. She complained and whined and fussed about it the whole time. She looked great out there. And, I got to see two girls from our school who are Native American, dance. I loved it. And they were so excited to dance for me.
Let's see, Cinco de Mayo! We went to a friend's bar to watch a local band perform, and that was fun. My One Tru Love wasn't feeling well, so I took him home early, and then I went back and I had a blast! It was fun, and I didn't get home until 1 am. OH, did I mention I forgot my house key? 1 am and I am opening the window trying to wake up the boys (who were having a sleepover) in the living room. It brought back those high school days memories.
Then, Sunday, Spiderman 3!!!! I loved that movie. It was fun. I took the boys and R.
Now, we're getting ready for the next relaxing (NOT) weekend. R is competing in Reno. We're leaving Saturday late morning for that and won't be back until late Sunday night. I am a little disappointed that I won't be seeing my boys on Mother's Day. I'll be with my daughter and my mom, just not my boys.
But, overall, even with all of the running around, I had a great weekend. I spent it with my kids, and I guess that is what makes it great.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Something's Bugging Me
I read tracey's blog http://tracey-justanothermommyblog.blogspot.com/2007/04/too-much-freakin-nature.html (since I don't know how to link it any other way...here it is). I had to say something about it.
I am the mother of a survivor of molestation. T was molested at age 5 one time by a neighbor boy (young teenager at the time). It was a five minute time period when he was out of my site, and an awful thing happened. Fourtunately, it wasn't as awful as it could have been. Fourtunately, I noticed that he was no longer in our backyard.
What I wanted to say, what has been bugging me since reading the comments to tracey's blog, is this...I don't feel sorry for the molestor. I don't care if he (or she) is tagged with a lifelong label. Guess what?! My family is forever changed because my son was molested.
I did the right thing, when I found out what happened. I went to the Sherriff's department, filed a report. I got counseling for my son, I went to the interview with the DA. I did all of the right things. T did all of the right things. He told the truth. To the deputy, to the DA, to his counselor. We have prayed for help in forgiving the molestor. We have done all the things that you can do when something horrible like this touches you.
We are different, because of a five minute period of time, in June 2000. We will never be the same. My son had a piece of his soul murdered. He wasn't raped (Praise the Lord), he was violated. His trust in himself and other people was taken.
The registry is just an eye opener. It is a tool. It may or may not save a child from being victimized. But, it is only a tool. I check that darn registry obsessively. I run my children's coaches, dance teachers, guitar teachers, anyone who has contact with my child...because, all it took for us was five minutes of me not knowing...I know, especially based on our experience, that it happens, no matter how careful you are. But, at least I am informed.
Seven years down the road, we still battle the monster called molestation. It has placed it's ugly stamp on my son's heart. He will constantly feel different, because of what was taken from him. But, he is a survivor. He is not a victim. He survived. He forgives daily. He forgives the molestor. He forgives me. He forgives his dad. Mostly, he forgives himself. Even though we have told him from the beginning that this wasn't his fault, he blames himself. He has to forgive himself, he has to tell himself that he is good enough. Five minutes robbed him of so much. Five minutes broke his heart into a million pieces. Pieces I and My One Tru Love are constantly trying to pick up and put back together.
My son is so much more than what happened to him. He is talented. He is tender hearted. He is a hero (Trish, we can leave that for another post). He is a big brother. He is loving. He is forgiving. He can conquer anything.
I'm tired of being told that I should feel badly for the bad choices people make. I'm tired of hearing that more money needs to be poured into rehab/counseling for offenders. I want to see real consequences. I'm a bit biased...our monster never paid. He never felt real consequences. Maybe that is something I need to let go, and forgive, and move on...but I want to see that there is a consequence for evil.
I am the mother of a survivor of molestation. T was molested at age 5 one time by a neighbor boy (young teenager at the time). It was a five minute time period when he was out of my site, and an awful thing happened. Fourtunately, it wasn't as awful as it could have been. Fourtunately, I noticed that he was no longer in our backyard.
What I wanted to say, what has been bugging me since reading the comments to tracey's blog, is this...I don't feel sorry for the molestor. I don't care if he (or she) is tagged with a lifelong label. Guess what?! My family is forever changed because my son was molested.
I did the right thing, when I found out what happened. I went to the Sherriff's department, filed a report. I got counseling for my son, I went to the interview with the DA. I did all of the right things. T did all of the right things. He told the truth. To the deputy, to the DA, to his counselor. We have prayed for help in forgiving the molestor. We have done all the things that you can do when something horrible like this touches you.
We are different, because of a five minute period of time, in June 2000. We will never be the same. My son had a piece of his soul murdered. He wasn't raped (Praise the Lord), he was violated. His trust in himself and other people was taken.
The registry is just an eye opener. It is a tool. It may or may not save a child from being victimized. But, it is only a tool. I check that darn registry obsessively. I run my children's coaches, dance teachers, guitar teachers, anyone who has contact with my child...because, all it took for us was five minutes of me not knowing...I know, especially based on our experience, that it happens, no matter how careful you are. But, at least I am informed.
Seven years down the road, we still battle the monster called molestation. It has placed it's ugly stamp on my son's heart. He will constantly feel different, because of what was taken from him. But, he is a survivor. He is not a victim. He survived. He forgives daily. He forgives the molestor. He forgives me. He forgives his dad. Mostly, he forgives himself. Even though we have told him from the beginning that this wasn't his fault, he blames himself. He has to forgive himself, he has to tell himself that he is good enough. Five minutes robbed him of so much. Five minutes broke his heart into a million pieces. Pieces I and My One Tru Love are constantly trying to pick up and put back together.
My son is so much more than what happened to him. He is talented. He is tender hearted. He is a hero (Trish, we can leave that for another post). He is a big brother. He is loving. He is forgiving. He can conquer anything.
I'm tired of being told that I should feel badly for the bad choices people make. I'm tired of hearing that more money needs to be poured into rehab/counseling for offenders. I want to see real consequences. I'm a bit biased...our monster never paid. He never felt real consequences. Maybe that is something I need to let go, and forgive, and move on...but I want to see that there is a consequence for evil.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Craziness continues...
Wow, the last two weeks have been crazy around here. Our school began state testing (what fun.) two weeks ago, and I have been immersed in testing ever since. I can't wait until Thursday when testing is DONE (make ups right now!).
R competed in San Francisco nearly two weeks ago. She competed on the 22nd. She did well. She took a 1st, 3rd, and 5th. She is competing again on Mother's Day in Reno. If she gets another first she raises a level. She is really excited about that.
Friday my baby will be 7. I can't believe he's that old already. I keep forgetting he isn't a baby anymore. But, I guess he'll always be my baby. I was trying to throw together a last minute birthday party, but that fell through with the incredibly busy weekend we have in front of us. R is marching in the city parade this Saturday and I have an appreciation luncheon on Friday.
I have a confession to make...
I overloaded the washing machine Sunday night. I took the weekend off from laundry (not my most brilliant idea) and at 8 pm decided I should wash some darks...I loaded the washing machine. And, when I say I loaded it, I LOADED it. I overheated the washing machine. It shut off and wouldn't work for several hours. I got in trouble....because I hadn't washed My One Tru Love's uniforms for work yet. So, at 9:30 in the evening I was at the laundromat washing one load of uniforms. The washing machine is working fine now, and I think I learned my lesson...don't overload the washing machine.
I am doing well with my no caffeine-no soda life. I haven't had caffeine (other than the small amount in decaffeinated coffee) and no soda since April 5! Wow! Almost a month of being a caffeine free-soda free woman. I don't see much of a difference in me, other than I don't have to have a cup of coffee in order to function properly. I am trying to drink at least 64 ounces of water everyday (which means I am peeing about twice that amount!). Now, all I have to do is start to exercise. I realized that in the last 19 months I have lost 32 pounds. I am only 6 pounds off of my goal weight, I think that exercise (or I could hold out for another bout of illness) may get me where I want to be. Oh, who cares! I like how my clothes fit now...who wants to exercise?
Well, the boys have homework! I have to go be a mom!
R competed in San Francisco nearly two weeks ago. She competed on the 22nd. She did well. She took a 1st, 3rd, and 5th. She is competing again on Mother's Day in Reno. If she gets another first she raises a level. She is really excited about that.
Friday my baby will be 7. I can't believe he's that old already. I keep forgetting he isn't a baby anymore. But, I guess he'll always be my baby. I was trying to throw together a last minute birthday party, but that fell through with the incredibly busy weekend we have in front of us. R is marching in the city parade this Saturday and I have an appreciation luncheon on Friday.
I have a confession to make...
I overloaded the washing machine Sunday night. I took the weekend off from laundry (not my most brilliant idea) and at 8 pm decided I should wash some darks...I loaded the washing machine. And, when I say I loaded it, I LOADED it. I overheated the washing machine. It shut off and wouldn't work for several hours. I got in trouble....because I hadn't washed My One Tru Love's uniforms for work yet. So, at 9:30 in the evening I was at the laundromat washing one load of uniforms. The washing machine is working fine now, and I think I learned my lesson...don't overload the washing machine.
I am doing well with my no caffeine-no soda life. I haven't had caffeine (other than the small amount in decaffeinated coffee) and no soda since April 5! Wow! Almost a month of being a caffeine free-soda free woman. I don't see much of a difference in me, other than I don't have to have a cup of coffee in order to function properly. I am trying to drink at least 64 ounces of water everyday (which means I am peeing about twice that amount!). Now, all I have to do is start to exercise. I realized that in the last 19 months I have lost 32 pounds. I am only 6 pounds off of my goal weight, I think that exercise (or I could hold out for another bout of illness) may get me where I want to be. Oh, who cares! I like how my clothes fit now...who wants to exercise?
Well, the boys have homework! I have to go be a mom!
Saturday, April 14, 2007
3 things meme (Thanks Trish)
Ok, here goes,
Three people who make me laugh:
1. just another mommy blog
2. four plus four equals ten
3. something about parenting
Three things I Love:
1. My One Tru Love
2. My kids
3. Being a mom
Three things I hate:
1. laundry
2. dishes
3. staff meetings
Three things I don't understand
1. Meanness
2. math
3. according to my 12 year old boy, my 12 year old boy
Three things on my desk:
1. Computer
2. C's inhaler
3. Reader's Digest
Three things I would like to do before I die:
1. Hold my grandchildren
2. Hold my great grandchildren
3. Have enough money
Three things I am doing right now:
1. Listening to SpongeBob on TV
2. Helping my daughter figure out her ride to the movies
3. Thinking
Three things I can do:
1. Multi-task
2. Crochet
3. Solve conflict on the playground...
Three things I can't do:
1. Knit
2. Keep my house clean
3. Drive a motorcycle
Three things you should listen to:
1. Irish music, it makes you feel happy
2. Children's laughter
3. Friends
Three things you shouldn't listen to:
1. Whining
2. Tattling
3. Gossip
Three thinks I would like to learn:
1. Spanish (fluently)
2. Organization
3. I don't really know....
Three of my favorite foods:
1. Tacos
2. Chocolate anything
3. Baked Potatoes!
Three shows I watched as a kid:
1. Emergency
2. Dukes of Hazard
3. Charlie's Angels
Three regrets:
1. That I listened to my mom and took secretarial courses in college instead of nursing.
2. Not moving out of my parents house to be on my own (went from being a daughter to being a wife)
3. Can't think of another one...
I don't think I know three bloggers to tag...so....that's it!
Three people who make me laugh:
1. just another mommy blog
2. four plus four equals ten
3. something about parenting
Three things I Love:
1. My One Tru Love
2. My kids
3. Being a mom
Three things I hate:
1. laundry
2. dishes
3. staff meetings
Three things I don't understand
1. Meanness
2. math
3. according to my 12 year old boy, my 12 year old boy
Three things on my desk:
1. Computer
2. C's inhaler
3. Reader's Digest
Three things I would like to do before I die:
1. Hold my grandchildren
2. Hold my great grandchildren
3. Have enough money
Three things I am doing right now:
1. Listening to SpongeBob on TV
2. Helping my daughter figure out her ride to the movies
3. Thinking
Three things I can do:
1. Multi-task
2. Crochet
3. Solve conflict on the playground...
Three things I can't do:
1. Knit
2. Keep my house clean
3. Drive a motorcycle
Three things you should listen to:
1. Irish music, it makes you feel happy
2. Children's laughter
3. Friends
Three things you shouldn't listen to:
1. Whining
2. Tattling
3. Gossip
Three thinks I would like to learn:
1. Spanish (fluently)
2. Organization
3. I don't really know....
Three of my favorite foods:
1. Tacos
2. Chocolate anything
3. Baked Potatoes!
Three shows I watched as a kid:
1. Emergency
2. Dukes of Hazard
3. Charlie's Angels
Three regrets:
1. That I listened to my mom and took secretarial courses in college instead of nursing.
2. Not moving out of my parents house to be on my own (went from being a daughter to being a wife)
3. Can't think of another one...
I don't think I know three bloggers to tag...so....that's it!
Spring Break/Back to School
Spring Break was not the greatest for me and my boys. My daughter had the time of her life in LA being spoiled rotten my my aunt and uncle. It sounds like they had a blast. They spent two days at Disneyland, a day at the Huntington Beach Library visiting museums and art exhibits. R loved it, then they spent a day at the Tea Gardens, a day at the mall, a day at the Reagen Library, a day at Solvang, and visited the beach. She got to go visit my cousin in his assisted living home. He was glad to see her and get a breath of fresh air. We, here at home, were dealing with my grandma's illness and surgery.
Thursday I decided that the boys and I needed to get out of the house. So, we made a trip to the park. My oldest son went to the lake with my in-laws. So, C and M and I went to Caper Acres. We had a great time. I took the ripple blanket afghan I am working on for M's best friend, and crocheted while the boys played. It was a really nice day, not hot and not cold. I was feeling a little tired, so we went home and I took a nap. Overall the day was great. At about 11:30 pm I woke up not feeling so hot. I figured out in short order that I was getting a bladder infection. I have only experienced 4 of these in my lifetime. Which, in my humble opinion is 4 times too many. At any rate, I decided to drink tons of cranberry juice all night and flush it out of my system. I woke up in the morning feeling worse. I spent the entire day Friday feeling awful, but trying to convince myself that I was getting better, as I drank water constantly. T had band practice, so I took him, and then got more water and drank and drank and drank water. I went to pick up T and was feeling like I was going to die, my friend LS told me that I looked horrible, and told me that I needed to go to the dr. because it sounded like my infection was spreading to my kidneys. I am rather stubborn and I hate to take medicine of any kind. Probably because I spent the first five years of my life taking every antibiotic known to man at the time. I went home. I talked to My One Tru Love and told him I wasn't feeling well, he told me that if I needed to go to the dr. then I should. So I laid down for two hours. Then, I realized (as my hip and back were aching and my insides felt bruised and sore) that if I didn't go to the dr. then, I was going to end up in the hospital. I had been monitoring my temperature all day and had been normal. But, by the time I got to the dr. I was running a temp. I had the beginning of a kidney infection and a massive UTI. He put me on one of the big guns, gave me some Pyridium (Gosh, I love that stuff) and sent me on my way. He said that I had done a good job of trying to flush it out of my system, it just was bigger than I thought. I went home and felt like garbage for a couple more days.
I went back to work on Tuesday, still feeling a little beat up, but feeling much better than before. Now, I am officially off of antibiotics, and feeling like a normal person. I decided that since caffeine and soda can contribute to UTI's I decided to cut them out of my life. I quit coffee while I was sick, so I didn't really notice any adverse side effects. Soda isn't so hard. I found the sparkling water at Walmart again. No calories, so sugar, no sodium, but has some carbonation, I decided that could do for any soda fix I needed or wanted. I really don't want to be that sick again.
The kids are back to school and counting down the days to summer. It isn't that far away. I am looking forward to some time with all of them.
My One Tru Love and T are out in the rain shooting today, so I have C, M, R and her best friend over, while I try to get my house respectable enough for an overnight babysitter next weekend. Aaagh. What was I thinking? I have so much to do, so I am sitting here on the computer...go figure. I have laundry up the wazoo, and a messy bedroom (all my clean clothes are stacked neatly on top of my dresser). My kitchen still shows the remnants of our strawberry pancake breakfast. Oh me oh my. I have work to do. And R and her friend want to go to the movies at 2. Well, I guess I should stop talking about it, and do something about it.
Thursday I decided that the boys and I needed to get out of the house. So, we made a trip to the park. My oldest son went to the lake with my in-laws. So, C and M and I went to Caper Acres. We had a great time. I took the ripple blanket afghan I am working on for M's best friend, and crocheted while the boys played. It was a really nice day, not hot and not cold. I was feeling a little tired, so we went home and I took a nap. Overall the day was great. At about 11:30 pm I woke up not feeling so hot. I figured out in short order that I was getting a bladder infection. I have only experienced 4 of these in my lifetime. Which, in my humble opinion is 4 times too many. At any rate, I decided to drink tons of cranberry juice all night and flush it out of my system. I woke up in the morning feeling worse. I spent the entire day Friday feeling awful, but trying to convince myself that I was getting better, as I drank water constantly. T had band practice, so I took him, and then got more water and drank and drank and drank water. I went to pick up T and was feeling like I was going to die, my friend LS told me that I looked horrible, and told me that I needed to go to the dr. because it sounded like my infection was spreading to my kidneys. I am rather stubborn and I hate to take medicine of any kind. Probably because I spent the first five years of my life taking every antibiotic known to man at the time. I went home. I talked to My One Tru Love and told him I wasn't feeling well, he told me that if I needed to go to the dr. then I should. So I laid down for two hours. Then, I realized (as my hip and back were aching and my insides felt bruised and sore) that if I didn't go to the dr. then, I was going to end up in the hospital. I had been monitoring my temperature all day and had been normal. But, by the time I got to the dr. I was running a temp. I had the beginning of a kidney infection and a massive UTI. He put me on one of the big guns, gave me some Pyridium (Gosh, I love that stuff) and sent me on my way. He said that I had done a good job of trying to flush it out of my system, it just was bigger than I thought. I went home and felt like garbage for a couple more days.
I went back to work on Tuesday, still feeling a little beat up, but feeling much better than before. Now, I am officially off of antibiotics, and feeling like a normal person. I decided that since caffeine and soda can contribute to UTI's I decided to cut them out of my life. I quit coffee while I was sick, so I didn't really notice any adverse side effects. Soda isn't so hard. I found the sparkling water at Walmart again. No calories, so sugar, no sodium, but has some carbonation, I decided that could do for any soda fix I needed or wanted. I really don't want to be that sick again.
The kids are back to school and counting down the days to summer. It isn't that far away. I am looking forward to some time with all of them.
My One Tru Love and T are out in the rain shooting today, so I have C, M, R and her best friend over, while I try to get my house respectable enough for an overnight babysitter next weekend. Aaagh. What was I thinking? I have so much to do, so I am sitting here on the computer...go figure. I have laundry up the wazoo, and a messy bedroom (all my clean clothes are stacked neatly on top of my dresser). My kitchen still shows the remnants of our strawberry pancake breakfast. Oh me oh my. I have work to do. And R and her friend want to go to the movies at 2. Well, I guess I should stop talking about it, and do something about it.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Lessons
I have been busy reading the last two days. I don't normally give myself the opportunity to read. I love to read. I love to read just about anything, and I read really fast. I read To Kill a Mockingbird yesterday. What an amazing book! I really enjoyed it. It was moving and so enlightening. I never got the chance to read it in high school, so I saw it at Costco at the beginning of Spring Break and decided to read it. All I have to say is WOW!
Today, I read Tuesdays With Morrie, another Costco impulse buy. I thouroughly enjoyed this one also. It was what I needed right now, considering all that is going on with my grandmother. I have come to many conclusions about that whole situation.
I had a lengthy conversation with my mom this morning. About many things, mostly my grandmother. I have come to a place regarding my grandma that has given me much peace. I understand that these walls were not built because of anything that I did. It's really amazing how quickly I went from an adult woman who was fairly confident to a hurt, little girl wondering why her grandma doesn't love her.
My grandma led a very difficult life. As did so many from her generation. I can't even for a moment begin to understand the hardship she experienced throughout her childhood. The Depression, a World War! Wow. She lived through alot. Her father wasn't a very nice person, she, for whatever reasons, was unable to rise above those experiences. She became a guarded, hard woman who lives in a world she created. I understand that none of that has anything to do with me. I get it. I accept it. to be hurt. I don't think that is cold or hard of me.
I realized just how grateful I am that I was blessed with such a wonderful paternal grandma. She loves me. Fiercely. Even now that I am in my 30's. She loves me with the same ferocity as when I was a baby struggling to live. I was blessed again with the incredible honor of my husband's grandma. She loved me as though I were her own. Her death last year impacted my life in ways I have yet to see. She left a gaping hole in our lives. We love her so much. She allowed me to experience the most beautifully, heartbreaking moment of my life. I was welcomed to her deathbed and held her hand and stroked her hair and kissed her face as she made the transition from this world to her home in heaven. I will forever be grateful that Grandma Eunice touched my life. I will grieve her loss forever. As I will my own grandma when her time comes. As I do my grandpa.
I have learned so much about myself and illness and death and respect through this sickness my grandmother is experiencing. It has given me so much appreciation for the ones that love me, and so much sadness for what I know she is missing out on. The saddest to me is that she doesn't even know what she is missing out on. She is missing out on knowing my daughter, she hasn't seen what a lovely, gracious young woman my daughter is growing into. I watched her on St. Patrick's Day as she danced at a retirement facility here in town. She moved me to tears. She was so gracious and kind to each elderly person who spoke to her. She shook their hands, looked them in the eye and smiled. She was beautiful, not because of her outside, but because of the inner radiance, the kindness, the Grandma Eunice in her. My Grandma Lorraine will never see that. She won't know the tender heart in my son T. How empathetic he is. How he is so willing to love. So eager to please. She won't know the sparkle in C's eyes. My quiet boy. The one that feels but doesn't let you know what he feels. She won't recognize his smile. She won't see the hilarity in my M. How he loves to make you laugh. She would barely know them if they passed her in the street, because of her choice. That makes me sad for her. She is the one missing out on so much.
I am blessed. Even though I have been hurt, I am blessed by so much more. I am blessed with the wonderful grandparents I was given. I am blessed with four beautiful, loving, caring, fun children. Children I can share with my aunt and uncle. Children I am struggling to raise to be gracious, kind, empathetic souls. I am so thankful for that opportunity.
My grandma is going to live who knows how much longer, a lot or a little, as no one knows the time they are to go...but, I am at peace within myself with the relationship that I can't change. It isn't what I desire, but it is what I got.
I am now and will always be there for my mom while she does the right thing caring for her mom. She is showing such integrity. I am seeing a strength in my mom that I never saw before. I hope that continues.
In Tuesdays With Morrie, Morrie talks to the author about detaching from pain. Feeling it and seeing it for what it is and then detaching from it. That so describes what I have done regarding my grandma. I have let the pain of rejection wash over me. I have felt it and fought it for years. I decided to surrender to it, to feel it and see it for what it is, and now, I can detach myself from it. I think it is something ongoing, detaching. But, I acknowledge it and move away from it. It gives me such peace. There is such wisdom in that. The other thing from that book that I took away and I believe will be become part of me, is "Love each other or perish."
Today, I read Tuesdays With Morrie, another Costco impulse buy. I thouroughly enjoyed this one also. It was what I needed right now, considering all that is going on with my grandmother. I have come to many conclusions about that whole situation.
I had a lengthy conversation with my mom this morning. About many things, mostly my grandmother. I have come to a place regarding my grandma that has given me much peace. I understand that these walls were not built because of anything that I did. It's really amazing how quickly I went from an adult woman who was fairly confident to a hurt, little girl wondering why her grandma doesn't love her.
My grandma led a very difficult life. As did so many from her generation. I can't even for a moment begin to understand the hardship she experienced throughout her childhood. The Depression, a World War! Wow. She lived through alot. Her father wasn't a very nice person, she, for whatever reasons, was unable to rise above those experiences. She became a guarded, hard woman who lives in a world she created. I understand that none of that has anything to do with me. I get it. I accept it. to be hurt. I don't think that is cold or hard of me.
I realized just how grateful I am that I was blessed with such a wonderful paternal grandma. She loves me. Fiercely. Even now that I am in my 30's. She loves me with the same ferocity as when I was a baby struggling to live. I was blessed again with the incredible honor of my husband's grandma. She loved me as though I were her own. Her death last year impacted my life in ways I have yet to see. She left a gaping hole in our lives. We love her so much. She allowed me to experience the most beautifully, heartbreaking moment of my life. I was welcomed to her deathbed and held her hand and stroked her hair and kissed her face as she made the transition from this world to her home in heaven. I will forever be grateful that Grandma Eunice touched my life. I will grieve her loss forever. As I will my own grandma when her time comes. As I do my grandpa.
I have learned so much about myself and illness and death and respect through this sickness my grandmother is experiencing. It has given me so much appreciation for the ones that love me, and so much sadness for what I know she is missing out on. The saddest to me is that she doesn't even know what she is missing out on. She is missing out on knowing my daughter, she hasn't seen what a lovely, gracious young woman my daughter is growing into. I watched her on St. Patrick's Day as she danced at a retirement facility here in town. She moved me to tears. She was so gracious and kind to each elderly person who spoke to her. She shook their hands, looked them in the eye and smiled. She was beautiful, not because of her outside, but because of the inner radiance, the kindness, the Grandma Eunice in her. My Grandma Lorraine will never see that. She won't know the tender heart in my son T. How empathetic he is. How he is so willing to love. So eager to please. She won't know the sparkle in C's eyes. My quiet boy. The one that feels but doesn't let you know what he feels. She won't recognize his smile. She won't see the hilarity in my M. How he loves to make you laugh. She would barely know them if they passed her in the street, because of her choice. That makes me sad for her. She is the one missing out on so much.
I am blessed. Even though I have been hurt, I am blessed by so much more. I am blessed with the wonderful grandparents I was given. I am blessed with four beautiful, loving, caring, fun children. Children I can share with my aunt and uncle. Children I am struggling to raise to be gracious, kind, empathetic souls. I am so thankful for that opportunity.
My grandma is going to live who knows how much longer, a lot or a little, as no one knows the time they are to go...but, I am at peace within myself with the relationship that I can't change. It isn't what I desire, but it is what I got.
I am now and will always be there for my mom while she does the right thing caring for her mom. She is showing such integrity. I am seeing a strength in my mom that I never saw before. I hope that continues.
In Tuesdays With Morrie, Morrie talks to the author about detaching from pain. Feeling it and seeing it for what it is and then detaching from it. That so describes what I have done regarding my grandma. I have let the pain of rejection wash over me. I have felt it and fought it for years. I decided to surrender to it, to feel it and see it for what it is, and now, I can detach myself from it. I think it is something ongoing, detaching. But, I acknowledge it and move away from it. It gives me such peace. There is such wisdom in that. The other thing from that book that I took away and I believe will be become part of me, is "Love each other or perish."
Monday, April 2, 2007
Spring Break
Well, today was the first day of Spring Break. It started off at 5:55 am with a phone call from my dad telling me that my grandma was having another heart attack, and they were trying to stabilize her. He needed to get the phone number for my aunt, he and my mom rushed out of the house to get to the hospital when they got the call. She made it through this one with the help of a nitro drip along with a morphine drip. The dr. recommended an angioplasty. She refused. She called my aunt and her husband and told them that she loved them and told them good bye (which, by the way really upset both of them), then told my mom good bye and that she loved her, then she kicked my dad out of her room (she didn't tell him good bye or anything else). Around noon I got the call that she had decided to have the angioplasty, at 2. They were able to open up the one artery that was 80-90% clogged and unable to open the other one that is 90% clogged. She refused open heart surgery. So, my mom is doing OK. My aunt is having a blast in LA with my daughter. I am just here for my mom and my aunt.
R just called me and told me that she is having a great time. She shopped for 5 hours at the mall. She had a blast. She sent me some pictures and it looks like everyone is totally enjoying themself (selves?).
My boys have spent the day fighting. Which was rather annoying since I was busy trying to find out what my mom might be needing. I had to get a flat tire fixed, so I sat in Les Schwab for an hour today. But, I don't have a flat tire anymore! I didn't get any housework done, but that will have to happen tomorrow. I have a hair appointment in the morning. I am looking forward to an hour to myself.
R just called me and told me that she is having a great time. She shopped for 5 hours at the mall. She had a blast. She sent me some pictures and it looks like everyone is totally enjoying themself (selves?).
My boys have spent the day fighting. Which was rather annoying since I was busy trying to find out what my mom might be needing. I had to get a flat tire fixed, so I sat in Les Schwab for an hour today. But, I don't have a flat tire anymore! I didn't get any housework done, but that will have to happen tomorrow. I have a hair appointment in the morning. I am looking forward to an hour to myself.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Hurt
Well, my goal with this blog, originally, was to find funny, happy moments to share about my kids. But, it seems to have turned into something different...at least for today.
Friday morning my grandma had a heart attack. I don't feel anything. I don't feel sad or concerned or worried or anything. I really don't care.
Background: I have not had much of a relationship with my grandmother since I was a toddler. She happens to be uninterested in me or my life. She is uninterested in my children or my children's lives. Over the 14 years that we have had children, we have invited her to every birthday party, holiday celebration, etc you can imagine. She hasn't seen my family for right around 2 years. She did not come to my high school graduation, even though she was offered a ride to and from the ceremony. She called me on my wedding day and told me she would not be attending my wedding, because she didn't feel like coming. (My other grandma called her and told her she was going, and Grandma S picked Grandma L up. Grandma L still hasn't forgiven Grandma S for that.) Since my fifth birthday, she has forgotten my birthday every single year. I am her first grandchild, my birthday is three days before hers. I have tried to stay in contact with her, especially when the kids were really small. She really didn't want to see them or know them. The last time I tried to take the kids to see her, I asked if we could come over and she could see the "new" baby (M, now 7) and she said that she didn't have time to see us since she had to wash her hair.
Fast forward to Friday My dad called to tell me that Grandma L had suffered a heart attack and was en route to the hospital in an ambulance. He told me that my mom was doing OK (as this is her mom, I was a little worried about my mom's needs) and that he would let me know any updates. I felt nothing when he told me all of this. Nothing but concern for my mom.
Friday throughout the day and the night I felt incredibly guilty and beat myself up for being such an uncaring granddaughter, to not care that my own grandmother was sick, in the CCU and not doing so well. I didn't sleep well, because I was so busy being disturbed by my ambivalence about my grandma's health.
Saturday I called my mom on her cell, to find out how Grandma's night was and see how she was feeling. My mom asked me if I would like to talk to Grandma, since she was visiting her at the hospital. I said that I would like to talk to her, my mom asked her if she would like to talk to me, and she said "NO, I don't want to talk to her." I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. My mom didn't know what to say to me. As we were finishing our phone call, my grandma told my mom to thank me for my concern.
I am so beyond hurt. My One Tru Love asked me what was wrong, as I was crying and very angry, and I told him. He told me what I guess I've known since I was 5...she doesn't love me. That is very painful. She doesn't love me or my kids. We are just people she knows. She is just a woman I know who happens to be my grandmother. I don't even have words...
I guess I just need to vent still. I am baffled that a woman facing illness, and possible death, alone, would still push anyone who tries to care away. I try to justify it with her past, I know she had a tough life growing up. But, I don't understand. I just can't wrap my mind around it.
I remember when I was about 10 or 11 years old. My mom was crying in her room. Just sobbing, deep, belly sobs, I went in to try to console her, I asked her what was wrong, and she told me that her mom doesn't love her and never did. She told me that she was so sad that her own mom didn't want a relationship with her. She told me that she loved me and that she always has and that she would always want a relationship with me. I didn't understand her sadness, until yesterday. It is so deep to know that someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally would be so unhappy and unloving that they can't even see anything in you to love. That may not make much sense, but none of this does.
I guess this is my justification for not caring. This is just me letting myself know that it's OK for me to say that my grandmother is a woman I know. She is blood, but she does not and never has loved me. Experiencing rejection of this magnitude from family is just so unfathomable to me.
Friday morning my grandma had a heart attack. I don't feel anything. I don't feel sad or concerned or worried or anything. I really don't care.
Background: I have not had much of a relationship with my grandmother since I was a toddler. She happens to be uninterested in me or my life. She is uninterested in my children or my children's lives. Over the 14 years that we have had children, we have invited her to every birthday party, holiday celebration, etc you can imagine. She hasn't seen my family for right around 2 years. She did not come to my high school graduation, even though she was offered a ride to and from the ceremony. She called me on my wedding day and told me she would not be attending my wedding, because she didn't feel like coming. (My other grandma called her and told her she was going, and Grandma S picked Grandma L up. Grandma L still hasn't forgiven Grandma S for that.) Since my fifth birthday, she has forgotten my birthday every single year. I am her first grandchild, my birthday is three days before hers. I have tried to stay in contact with her, especially when the kids were really small. She really didn't want to see them or know them. The last time I tried to take the kids to see her, I asked if we could come over and she could see the "new" baby (M, now 7) and she said that she didn't have time to see us since she had to wash her hair.
Fast forward to Friday My dad called to tell me that Grandma L had suffered a heart attack and was en route to the hospital in an ambulance. He told me that my mom was doing OK (as this is her mom, I was a little worried about my mom's needs) and that he would let me know any updates. I felt nothing when he told me all of this. Nothing but concern for my mom.
Friday throughout the day and the night I felt incredibly guilty and beat myself up for being such an uncaring granddaughter, to not care that my own grandmother was sick, in the CCU and not doing so well. I didn't sleep well, because I was so busy being disturbed by my ambivalence about my grandma's health.
Saturday I called my mom on her cell, to find out how Grandma's night was and see how she was feeling. My mom asked me if I would like to talk to Grandma, since she was visiting her at the hospital. I said that I would like to talk to her, my mom asked her if she would like to talk to me, and she said "NO, I don't want to talk to her." I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. My mom didn't know what to say to me. As we were finishing our phone call, my grandma told my mom to thank me for my concern.
I am so beyond hurt. My One Tru Love asked me what was wrong, as I was crying and very angry, and I told him. He told me what I guess I've known since I was 5...she doesn't love me. That is very painful. She doesn't love me or my kids. We are just people she knows. She is just a woman I know who happens to be my grandmother. I don't even have words...
I guess I just need to vent still. I am baffled that a woman facing illness, and possible death, alone, would still push anyone who tries to care away. I try to justify it with her past, I know she had a tough life growing up. But, I don't understand. I just can't wrap my mind around it.
I remember when I was about 10 or 11 years old. My mom was crying in her room. Just sobbing, deep, belly sobs, I went in to try to console her, I asked her what was wrong, and she told me that her mom doesn't love her and never did. She told me that she was so sad that her own mom didn't want a relationship with her. She told me that she loved me and that she always has and that she would always want a relationship with me. I didn't understand her sadness, until yesterday. It is so deep to know that someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally would be so unhappy and unloving that they can't even see anything in you to love. That may not make much sense, but none of this does.
I guess this is my justification for not caring. This is just me letting myself know that it's OK for me to say that my grandmother is a woman I know. She is blood, but she does not and never has loved me. Experiencing rejection of this magnitude from family is just so unfathomable to me.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
And She's Off!
My daughter flew to LA yesterday to spend 12 days with my aunt and uncle. She is presently getting spoiled rotten at Disneyland. Getting undivided attention and adoration from two people who are so excited to be surrogate grandparents!
A little explanation: My aunt and uncle have two children. A daughter two years younger than me, and a son my brother's age. Their children were diagnosed with Friedriech's Attaxia when their daughter was 5 and when their son was 10. Friedriech's is a devastating disease. April died when she was 20. While I was pregnant with my second child. She had lost her vision and was losing her hearing. Friedriech's robs the body of everything, except the mind. Stephen is still living in assisted living, as he grew to be over 6 feet tall, and my aunt was having difficulty caring for him. His wheelchair is ENORMOUS! At any rate. My aunt and uncle will never have grandchildren. Last Mother's Day weekend, they came to my parent's house while they were on their way to Reno, and the kids and I dashed up to see them, and say hi. I made my aunt a Mother's Day gift and the kids got her a card. She was touched to tears, because she hasn't gotten a card from a little kid in years. That opened a door. I asked them if they would be willing to be surrogate grandparents to my kids. No kid can have too many grandparents. They were all to happy to accommodate them. So, R is on her first trip to visit them on her own. My aunt has more activities planned than you can imagine. Disneyland, the tea gardens, Solvang, the beach, the mall, and so on. I am so glad to be able to offer my children to them to enjoy.
I had to put R on the plane (her first time flying...ever) yesterday in Sacramento. She was nervous and excited. I am so glad that she gets to go enjoy herself for the week. She really wanted to go on the 8th grade Washington DC trip, but I couldn't afford it, so, I offered her this in exchange. I know she'll have lots of fun.
A little explanation: My aunt and uncle have two children. A daughter two years younger than me, and a son my brother's age. Their children were diagnosed with Friedriech's Attaxia when their daughter was 5 and when their son was 10. Friedriech's is a devastating disease. April died when she was 20. While I was pregnant with my second child. She had lost her vision and was losing her hearing. Friedriech's robs the body of everything, except the mind. Stephen is still living in assisted living, as he grew to be over 6 feet tall, and my aunt was having difficulty caring for him. His wheelchair is ENORMOUS! At any rate. My aunt and uncle will never have grandchildren. Last Mother's Day weekend, they came to my parent's house while they were on their way to Reno, and the kids and I dashed up to see them, and say hi. I made my aunt a Mother's Day gift and the kids got her a card. She was touched to tears, because she hasn't gotten a card from a little kid in years. That opened a door. I asked them if they would be willing to be surrogate grandparents to my kids. No kid can have too many grandparents. They were all to happy to accommodate them. So, R is on her first trip to visit them on her own. My aunt has more activities planned than you can imagine. Disneyland, the tea gardens, Solvang, the beach, the mall, and so on. I am so glad to be able to offer my children to them to enjoy.
I had to put R on the plane (her first time flying...ever) yesterday in Sacramento. She was nervous and excited. I am so glad that she gets to go enjoy herself for the week. She really wanted to go on the 8th grade Washington DC trip, but I couldn't afford it, so, I offered her this in exchange. I know she'll have lots of fun.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Tomorrow is...
FRIDAY Yeah. I need Friday. I'm sure the weekend will be jam packed with responsibility...but at least I can take a nap! Oh what a day. It was full of discovery for me. I have decided to join my son's teacher and her partner's sleep "nazi" group. I have found that my almost 7 year old has the most difficult mornings going to school when he doesn't get to bed before 8:30. Last night we didn't make it to bed before 8:30. It was more like 9:30 and he threw a fit and decided to sit in the principal's office (again) rather than go to school. But, Mrs. D met us outside the office and escorted my thoroughly pissed off son to first grade. I went into the staff room and cried. I cried because I am such a bad mother that I can't get my kids to bed at decent hour. I am a bad mom because I have power struggles with my 6 year old (and my 10 year old and my 12 year old and my 14 year old and my 35 year old ...oh wait the 35 year old is My One Tru Love). I cried because I am hormonal. I cried because I was tired. I just cried. But, I made it through my day. It got better, no more drama and no more tears. So, tonight is a Calgon night. I really need to decompress a bit. Tomorrow is Friday (did I mention that?).
I look forward to Saturday night when My One Tru Love is gone for the night. I get to sleep undisturbed by snoring. I swear at 3 am I was ready to smother him. I love him, but that dang snoring! I keep trying to remind myself that this is one of those things. That I love him and I would miss never hearing him snore again. But, at 3 am never hearing him snore again sounds pretty darn good. I didn't smother him. He woke fully rested and feeling ready to tackle the world. I, on the other hand, woke feeling dragged through the ringer, and tired and sore (our couch isn't the most comfortable place to sleep). My darling 6 year old was quick to promise me that he will sleep with me on Saturday night so I "won't be lonely". At least M doesn't snore.
Well, tomorrow is coffee with S and a field trip with the first grade.
I look forward to Saturday night when My One Tru Love is gone for the night. I get to sleep undisturbed by snoring. I swear at 3 am I was ready to smother him. I love him, but that dang snoring! I keep trying to remind myself that this is one of those things. That I love him and I would miss never hearing him snore again. But, at 3 am never hearing him snore again sounds pretty darn good. I didn't smother him. He woke fully rested and feeling ready to tackle the world. I, on the other hand, woke feeling dragged through the ringer, and tired and sore (our couch isn't the most comfortable place to sleep). My darling 6 year old was quick to promise me that he will sleep with me on Saturday night so I "won't be lonely". At least M doesn't snore.
Well, tomorrow is coffee with S and a field trip with the first grade.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Happy Monday
I just spent probably the busiest weekend in a long time. It all started on Friday morning. R, being an Irish step dancer, is in high demand around St. Paddy's Day. So, beginning Friday, I became the drive her where she needs to be mom. Taxi service, whatever... Then, Friday afternoon, I got a phone call from my hairdresser, telling me that my long awaited and planned to perfection hair appointment scheduled for two hours before the big event at our school was to be postponed due to sick children. I understand, but, my goodness, the plans I made were so perfect...shot to the nether world. My house was a disaster, and my parents were due to arrive before 9 am Saturday. Aaaah. I had to take C to a birthday party, R to a dance, and make dinner. Holy Cow#*&! I tried to clean as best I could between driving everyone where they needed or wanted to be. Then, my girlfriend called and wanted to meet for coffee. Which anyother time would be great, but, I felt so frazzled already. I agreed to meet her at 9 pm. She is my friend who lost her dad to suicide this Christmas. She needed to talk. I tried to listen, but there were a million things going through my head. She's leaving today for TN to go through her dad's belongings. Not a fun task for sure. I got home late, went to bed to sleep like ca ca. I woke up before 7 am, to do dishes, before my mom and dad got here. Then My One Tru Love asked for pancakes and eggs for breakfast! The nerve. I cooked breakfast, rushed R to CSUC for a performance and then to Windchimes for another performance, ran to pay the PG&E and phone bills, dashed over to pick up My One Tru Love's dry cleaning, and then scurried home. Then it was time to get ready for THE Event. My friend S came over to get ready, we ran to get a pizza for the kids came home picked up My One Tru Love and made it to THE Event. It was fun, I wasn't feeling the greatest. I had a headache and was feeling generally lousy. But I tried to make the most of it. Then, Sunday, grocery shopping and Science project for C. After a horrible night's sleep, M decided for the third time in three weeks that he didn't want to go to school. Today was pajama day at work, so I was in my pajamas dragging my 6 1/2 year old across the field in front of my coworkers and all the 5, 6 and 7 grade students. Not my finest moment to be sure. I plopped little Mr. M in front of the principal's office and went to begin my day at work. He ended up in class with a smile, don't know or care how...he just did. I was emotionally and physically exhausted by that time...frustrated to no end, but at least he went to school. Now, here I sit at 4:30 trying to decide what to make for dinner, and debating between laundry and a quick cat nap, since I'm still not feeling jet hot. Tomorrow has to be better, right? My One Tru Love is supposed to be out of town this weekend, and I'm not sure if it will be a good thing or a bad one. The jury is still out.
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